Forgiving-ness & Forgiven-ness
Today is the 5th Sunday in Lent—the 40 day season in the church that prepares us for Easter. Lent is a time of trimming away all of the distractions or things that keep us from fully recognizing the power of Easter & Jesus’ resurrection. In Jesus’ resurrection we experience life abundantly as Jesus defeated death. So, Lent prepares us for that abundant celebration of life. Our series during Lent has been “From Hurt to Healing.” Each week we’ve explored an emotion, a topic, or a theme related to the hurts we have or the ways in which we have hurt others. We have looked at shame—what those who have been sinned-against feel when something has been done to them. We have looked at guilt—what sinners feel when they have done something wrong. Anger—which in and of itself is a good thing, but when it is left to fester and turns into rage, that is a problem. Resistance is the way in which we declare that we are an individual of sacred with and deserve to be treated as such and not as someone less than a human being. Repentance is what we feel when we recognize that we have done something wrong and need to make amends and turn our life completely around. Last week, we began to make the turn from identifying our hurts & the ways in which we have hurt others into healing. This week we look at what it means to offer forgiveness or forgiving-ness and receiving forgiveness or forgiven-ness.
Christianity is a movement based around forgiveness—Jesus proclaimed God’s forgiveness to all people and the church was meant to continue to carry on that message of forgiveness. Most people experience forgiveness often…The truth is that holding a grudge is self destructive. Bonnie Weil says it this way, “If you don’t forgive a grudge, there is a part of you that dies inside. You lose your optimism, your enthusiasm, your zest for life.” Oftentimes we discuss the need to forgive or be forgiven, but ignore what forgiveness really is…Forgiveness isn’t just a word tossed around, but it means to give up a resolve to do something or giving up resentment or claim to requital for or to pardon an offense. Forgiveness does not require feelings of love or acceptance, but it makes room for those feelings for both victim & offender. Pastoral counselor John Patton describes forgiveness not as something that we do, but as something we discover. To forgive the one who injures us, we need to discover ourselves in them…Forgiveness is a humble process by surrendering one’s own power to forgive rather than holding onto it.
In his book From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park chronicles theologian Lewis Smedes’ 6 steps for forgiveness.
1.) Forgiveness is a redemptive response to having been wronged and wounded. Only those who have wronged and wounded us are candidates for forgivness.
2.) Forgiveness requires 3 actions: first—surrendering our right to give even. When we forgive we place the outcome of the matter in God’s hands. Second—we rediscover the humanity of our wrongdoer—the person who wronged us is not different from us, but just as complex, fragile, and confused person as we are. Third—we wish our wrongdoer well—giving up revenge and actually wanting good things to happen to them.
3.) Forgiving takes time. God can forgive in a single breath, but we need time.
4.) Forgiving does not require forgetting. We can refuse to let a harmful incident control our lives.
5.) Ideally, forgiving leads to reconciliation—but that doesn’t always happen…Sometimes the forgiven person does not want to be reunited with us. Forgiving happens in our hearts—there can’t be a reunion without forgiving, but there can be forgiving without reunion
6.) Forgiving comes naturally to the forgiven. Nothing enables us to forgive like knowing in our hearts that we have been forgiven.
When we truly forgive someone, we don’t attack their personality, but focus on issues. Which can be hard sometimes…There are really two dimensions to forgiveness—internal & external.
Internal forgiveness is forgiving our offenders before they ask for it. In our Gospel lesson this morning, Peter asks if it is okay to forgive 7 times which was more than the Jewish tradition said was necessary…The Jewish tradition said that 3 times was enough, so by asking for double that Peter thought that would be okay! But Jesus says that 77 times is how often we forgive which is just beyond understanding. The sooner we forgive the better, but forgiveness can’t be forced too quickly. Before forgiving, there are some things that we will need to sort through in our own hearts & souls. Andrew Sung Park identifies these steps in internal forgiveness: brokenness with sorrow & grief, a willingness to let go, and the courage to envision a fresh image.
Those who have been sinned against can’t easily forget their deep pain & grief. There is no exact formula for this and some offenses take longer than others to work through. Park says it this way, “It takes courage to acknowledge our wound & pain. The process of forgiveness starts when we demonstrate the courage to put ourselves in the vulnerable position of acknowledging our wound & weakness and undergoing sorrow & grief over pain. This spirit of grieving over pain opens the process of healing by transcending its own helplessness.”
Giving forgiveness or forgiving-ness means letting go—letting go of our woundedness, sorrow and anger. This is not easy. But forgiveness enables us not to dwell on the pain of shame, but to transcend it for food. Park continues by saying, “Forgiving others is forgiving ourselves. Retaliating against others injures ourselves again…Without forgiving our offenders, we become captives of the destructive force of anger & hatred…In this sense, forgiving is not a choice, it is a must. Every unforgiving moment causes us damage.” Now that doesn’t mean that forgiving is cheap or easy, but quite the opposite…it is very costly.
When we are wronged, it is easy to look at our offenders as demons or to dehumanize them. We need to separate an individual’s personhood from their actions because all individuals are individuals of sacred worth. “A forgiving heart foresees a redeemed, good, and accountable image of the offenders, which not forgetting their past.”
In addition to internal forgiveness, there is external forgiveness. In an ideal situation, the offender would ask forgiveness and seek to make up for what they have done. If the offender fails to seek forgiveness, the injured person is not obligated to offer it. External forgiveness announces the offender forgiven when they have sought it. If the offender has no intention of seeking forgivness, the offended should begin the process themselves. The first step would be confrontation—to challenge the offender to admit their wrong. When the offender has repented, this brings both parties to neutral ground and offers a way to reconciliation. The offended then should engage the offender to repay whatever damage has been done. External forgivenss restores a mutual relationship. Reconciliation can only happen if both parties agree to restore their relationship. If it is possible, reconciliation is what we should aim for. However, it is not always possible to do that—as Christians we should always try to get to reconciliation. “True forgivingness is not to overlook the wrongdoing of offenders, but to challenge them to change their ways and encourage them to rectify what they have damaged.”
Steven Curtis Chapman is an award winning Christian singer. He and his wife Mary Beth have three biological children, Emily, Caleb, and Will Franklin and have adopted three girls from China—Shohannah Hope, Stevey Joy, and Maria Sue. On May 21, seventeen year old Will Franklin was driving his SUV in the driveway when Maria Sue ran to greet him. He didn’t see Maria and hit her with his car…As the Chapman family reacted to what happened, and called 911 and held on to their 5 year old daughter as she struggled to live…As the ambulance took Maria Sue to the hospital, Will in anguish tried to run from what happened when his older brother Caleb tackled him and held him to the ground and just held him…As Steven Curtis Chapman followed the ambulance to the hospital, he made the driver stop as he shouted out the window… “Will Franklin! Your dad loves you! Will Franklin! Your dad loves you!” Maria Sue died from this tragic accident…As the family continues to grieve the loss of the youngest child and come to grips with what happened…Will Franklin struggles to forgive himself. At Maria’s funeral, Caleb share that God healed Maria in ways that the family didn’t really like, but Caleb knew that God was going to heal Will in ways that everyone would really like…Mary Beth & Steven Curtis Chapman said in an interview that not once did they ever blame Will or do they hold what happened against him…They called it a tragic accident…
If forgiving-ness is offering forgiveness, then forgiven-ness is receiving forgiveness. Beverly Flanigan suggests these 8 ways to promote forgiveness.
1.) Admit quickly and openly when you are wrong.
2.) Apologize to the people you have wronged. If possible, issue your apology in the presence of others to demonstrate that you are not afraid to return power to those you have hurt.
3.) Praise those close to you when they express regret about hurting someone. Encourage them to admit wrongdoing & apologize to the injured person.
4.) Respect the attempts of others to forgive someone.
5.) When it is true, tell people who have modeled forgiveness to you that you respect their achievements. By the same token when other people’s nonforgiveness contaminates you, tell them.
6.) Avoid litigation until you have heard each other’s views of the injury. Forgiveness is more likely when people are not adversaries.
7.) Teach that life is not fair. One person will have more gifts and opportunities than another person and fewer than others. Envy or greed should never be the basis of nonfogiveness.
8.) To forgive is to choose to move forward into the future. Show others thant you choose the future, not the past, as the focus of aspiration in your daily life.
In Christianity, divine forgiveness is deeply connected with human forgiveness. When we are forgiven by those we have wronged, our relationship with God is put right. At the heart of Christian forgiven-ness is repentance and restoration of relationships with God & with the offended. Last week, we talked about repentance as an act of contrition and confession as the beginning of the forgiveness process.
First, repentance begins with contrition…which is an internal transformation. It is the decision before God to not repeat the sin. The act of contrition should come because God loves us and not out of fear—but love that leads us to love God & love others.
Confession is the next step…confession is an important step in being forgiven, because one needs to know what they’re asking forgiveness for! It can be uncomfortable to admit you were wrong or that you did something that was wrong, so this is a step that many people are unable to do. We’ll look at this more next week as we discuss forgiveness.
Repentance means changing one’s behavior…It is the turning around and going the other direction of what you were doing. It is the concrete response to the contrition—in contrition, we promise not to sin again and in repentance, we actually work on not sinning again. If there is not a change in lifestyle, there has not been repentance. If every time I see John Doe, and I kick him in the shins…then I tell him I feel bad about it, but continue to do it. I’ve not really repented. If someone says that they’re sorry for doing something, but continue to do it…they’re really not repenting.
Fourth, recompense—repentance is only genuine when it offers compensation…What can I do for what I have done? If you are not willing to sacrifice to make up for what you have done, you’re not willing to repent. Now, we can’t make anything up to God—seeing as how God is infinite and all…We do not possess the power to repay God, which what justification is…we’ll talk about justification next week. But, what God does require is for offenders to compensate human victims of his or her offense. As Park says, “This compensation does not depend on the status of the one offended. Rather we need to attend, heal, and recompense the injuries of the offended with all our hearts, as if we were making restitution to God. In fact, as we offend our neighbor, we injure God. By restoring our neighbor’s dignity, we restore God’s dignity as well.
Fifth, asking for forgiveness. Forgiven-ness can only be offered if it is asked for. First, asking forgiveness from God and then from the wronged. Having already done works of repentance, openly admitting wrong, and asking in humility for forgiveness. When we do this we are not asking the offended to forget what has been done, but we ask to cease remembering it with resentment and a heart of vengeance. “The offended can forgive the offender, or delay forgiving-ness at this point. If the offended is not ready to forgive the offender, the offender must wait patiently for their forgiving in due course.
Forgiven-ness becomes consummated in reconciling with the offended. A genuine act of repentance leads to an opportunity to live in positive relationships once again. A genuine act of asking for forgiveness may lead the offended & the offender to reconcile. But there is little the offender can do if the person hurt does not want to be reconciled.
Why is forgiveness so hard? Why is it something that we deny to others or deny to ourselves? Why does it make the stories like the Chapman family seem so extraordinary? There are really lots of reasons why…Sometimes the circumstances are just so extraordinary…Sometimes the people are extraordinary…Most times it’s because the grace of God flows freely…Forgiveness is given freely to us…It only seems right that it should flow freely from us…There may be something or someone that you are thinking about right now that you need to forgive…Maybe you’re not ready to admit what you have done wrong or what you’d like to do to make amends…Maybe you’re not quite ready to repent…You can say that… Or maybe you’re thinking about someone that you need to ask for forgiveness…Someone that you have hurt in some way…And you might be thinking that too much time has passed or you don’t know how to get in touch with that person…Those are really good excuses…About a year ago I went to lunch with a friend and as we caught up on life, I shared with her that I thought that I may have hurt her in a particular situation and they only reason that I thought that I may have caused her that pain was because I had felt it myself…As we recounted the situation that had happened almost five years earlier, I apologized for any hurt that I may have caused her. She said that there was none, but she appreciated the apology…I could have not said anything and I could have not offered apology…But I can’t tell you how much better I felt to have known how she felt and that we could be honest…An apology can come at anytime…Studies have shown that people who forgive more often are usually healthier…less heart problems, less stress…The longer that you hold on to that forgiveness, the more it eats you up inside…Forgiveness is as much for you to let go as it is for the other person to be forgiven…It is as much about our own humanity as it is about another person’sEvery week, as we pray the Lord’s prayer, we pray—forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Do you really want to be forgiven in the same way that you have offered forgiveness? Do you really want to be treated in the same way that you have treated other people? Maybe if we all truly lived by the ways that Jesus taught, there would be less need to seek forgiveness…But we are still waiting for the Kingdom of God to come…So, how many times should one forgive? 3 times? 7 times? 490? How many times have you been forgiven? 3 times? 7 times? 490? As you have confessed your sins to God, God hears your prayers and in the name of Jesus Christ you are forgiven…Thanks be to God…You have been forgiven freely…Freely give…
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Resistance & Repentance
Resistance & Repentance
Welcome to the 4th Sunday in Lent…Lent is the 6 weeks or 40 days that lead up to Easter. It’s the season in the church where we are preparing for the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection. But in order for Jesus to be resurrected, it means that Jesus has to die. So, Lent is that journey that we remember Jesus makes, but also that we make…So that we may trim away the part of us that needs to die in order for us to experience the full potential of Jesus’ resurrection. The way we have been doing that here at Sheridan-Norway United Methodist Churches is through our series, “From Hurt to Healing.” Each week, we’ve explored a theme or topic relating to being hurt or hurting others. We’ve discussed shame—the feeling that those victims or sinned-against feel when something has been done to them that is not right. We’ve discussed guilt—the feeling that offenders or sinners feel when they’ve done something wrong and they realize that it is wrong…And last week, we shook our pop cans up in our discussion of anger—what happens when our anger turns into rage and that it’s okay to be angry, but we need to be angry at the right things…And each week as we’ve done that, we’ve had some physical responses—we’ve been packing our suitcase along this journey & filling it with those things either an actual item or written down—those things that are keeping us from recognizing the full power of Easter and Jesus’ resurrection & our healing….
This week, we are starting to shift into healing…Our first 3 weeks were working at identifying the hurts or what may be at the center of those hurts…For those who experience shame, I hope that you’ve explored why that is for you—what has someone done that has developed that shame in you? Or what is it that you feel guilty about? What have you done to someone else that you feel you have done wrong? Or what are you truly angry about and how do you channel your anger into something positive rather than something destructive and avoiding rage.
Those who have been wounded naturally seek revenge in anger—destructive or creatively…Our job is to channel our anger into something creative rather than something destructive. The ideal situation when someone has been wronged would be for the offender to recognize it and seek forgiveness, but that doesn’t always happen. So if it doesn’t the victim needs to confront the offender because by doing nothing means that the victim allows the offender to live with their wrong. To punish or get rid of the offender in someone way really just starts a new cycle of resentment & violence…as Ghandi once said, “An eye for an eye ends up making the whole world blind.” And Jesus taught very clearly in our passage from Matthew about turning the other cheek. So what does it mean to turn the other cheek? Or go the second mile? Or give someone your cloak?
In his book From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park identifies three principles in Christian responses to victimization: challenge, care, & respect. Now, the order of these should be: care, respect, & challenge because we can’t challenge the offender without care or respect because if we didn’t—it would only lead to further conflict. Think about the last time someone had given you criticism…did you accept it or did you get offended? How much of that had to do with the person giving you the feedback and whether or not you knew that they cared about you?
Let’s look first at challenge…And we’ll look at it using the passage from Matthew—specifically: “If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” Now, let’s look at this for a moment…In order to hit someone on the right cheek how do you have to do it? One of two ways—either with your left hand or with the back of your hand. Here’s what makes that offensive…the left hand in Jesus’ time was considered to be completely unclean…if you ate with the right hand—you did other business with the left hand. So to be slapped with a left hand was an insult and dirty…Now to receive a backhanded slap meant something very insulting and demeaning…Actually, today we don’t have wonderful slang terms to describe this type of slap either. What did it mean to be slapped with the back of someone’s hand? A backhanded slap was twice as insulting as a front handed slap. Because a backhanded slap was what one did to another who was inferior or less than them…Masters would backhand slaves to humiliate them… parents to children, Romans to Jews…It was a mark of insult to receive a backhanded slap. And Jesus challenges this behavior by saying, “If someone hits you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” Essentially Jesus is saying, “Let them hit you again.” Some of you may be a little shocked at hearing that because that’s not the way most people have heard or interpreted that part of the passage…This is a very clear form of non-violent resistance as Jesus is saying that the backhanded slap did not do what it was intended to do—I deny your power to humiliate me. Turning to offer the left cheek meant that it would be a front handed slap—the kind of slap that happened between equals. By turning the other cheek, Jesus is saying that we demand to be treated as an equal, not as someone who is less than.
The same is true as Jesus says, “If anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give them your cloak as well.” The cloak refers to the undergarments… So if someone sues you for your coat, give them your cloak as well…In order to give someone both your coat & cloak meant that you would be walking out of court naked. Which as it still is today, was taboo in Israel…But the shame was not on the person who was naked, but on the person who caused them to be naked. It was the Law of Moses that if anyone took someone’s cloak, they were required to give it back at the end of the day because it may be the only thing that they have to keep them warm at night. The very act of taking leaving naked will show the cruelty of a creditor who is exploiting someone who is poor. Walter Wink says that the act can be summed up this way, “You want my robe? Here, take everything! Now you’ve got all I have except my body. Is that what you’ll take next?”
Offenders can be challenged in several ways: nonviolent resistance, noncooperative resistance, civil disobedience, boy-cotts, sit-ins…The offended need to choose a form that does not avoid the principle of care. As Andrew Park says, “Challenge is not a choice but is an obligation for Christians in the face of injustice. Its goal is not to punish or destroy the offender but to help him or her be penitent.”
So what is care? Well let’s turn again to Matthew—“If anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.” Roman soldiers had the right in those days to force labor on people—they could require someone to carry their supplies or gear for up to a mile, but because so many Roman soldiers had abused this…It was unlawful for a soldier to ask someone to go more than one mile. So, by going the second mile means that the Roman soldier is starting to get a little nervous! And could lead to a comedic scene as the Roman soldier begs the person carrying back his bags! By going the second mile, Jesus is teaching a new third way: not fight or flight, but find a creative alternative to violence and assert your own dignity & humanity. And most clearly doing this out of love…Unrelenting love.
It would be easy to receive a slap on the cheek and not do anything—avoid the person, but starting to build up resentment or hatred…But imagine if in love we demand justice and to be treated equally…If we care for a person, we want them to be better—we don’t want them to continue in their wrongs! It’s not easy to love those people, but if we love them we can’t let people continue in their wrongs…By being silent and not doing anything, we allow the destructive behavior to continue. But Jesus teaches us to overcome evil with good…with love & care.
Everyone needs respect—an attitude of admiration…respect provides positive self-esteem…If someone does not feel respected, it is nearly impossible for any kind of change or transformation to occur. But respect is mutual…both parties need to have a mutual respect for one another.
Elsewhere in Matthew, Jesus gives the ways that the church is deal with conflicts using these same principles. The first step is a private conversation—not calling attention to the issue for everyone, but saying it privately so as to preserve the honor of the individual. If that doesn’t work—the second step is to bring in one or two witnesses which provides protection for both parties. If that didn’t work, the third step was to involve the whole community. And if that didn’t work, the person was asked to leave until they were able to participate in reconciliation…until they were able to repent for what they had done.
Repentance is what we do when we feel guilty for doing something…Well it’s what we’re supposed to do when we feel guilty for doing something. Repentance is a transformation—first of the heart and then of the way that we live our life…The Roman Catholic Church has 6 steps to repentance, which have been tweaked a little bit for our purposes this morning…
First, repentance begins with contrition…which is an internal transformation. It is the decision before God to not repeat the sin. The act of contrition should come because God loves us and not out of fear—but love that leads us to love God & love others.
Second, confession is the next step…confession is an important step in being forgiven, because one needs to know what they’re asking forgiveness for! It can be uncomfortable to admit you were wrong or that you did something that was wrong, so this is a step that many people are unable to do. We’ll look at this more next week as we discuss forgiveness.
Third, repentance means changing one’s behavior…It is the turning around and going the other direction of what you were doing. It is the concrete response to the contrition—in contrition, we promise not to sin again and in repentance, we actually work on not sinning again.
Fourth, recompense—repentance is only genuine when it offers compensation…What can I do for what I have done? If you are not willing to sacrifice to make up for what you have done, you’re not willing to repent.
Fifth, asking for forgiveness. This doesn’t mean that you forget the acts of injustice, but that you are given new opportunities. We’ll explore forgiveness next week.
Sixth, Repentance leads to reconciliation. A genuine act of repentance leads to an opportunity to live in positive relationships once again.
The story of the prodigal child—the son who returned home realized that what he did was wrong…He demanded his inheritance which he essentially told his father he wished his father was dead because that’s the only way that you get an inheritance! Then, he squandered it all away and was forced to feed the pigs…So, recognizing what he had done, he decides that he’s going to go home…He has experienced contrition because he recognizes that he has sinned against God & his father…He has confessed to God and he’s on his way to confess to his father that he knows what he has done…He is going to change his behavior and repent…He is willing to work for his father in order to come home—he’s willing to be treated as though he were a servant in order to make up for what he’s done. He asks his father for forgiveness and ultimately, the father forgives him and they are reconciled in their relationship.
Repentance is done out of love not out of fear…We repent because a loving God leads us to repent not because we think God will love us if we do repent! We want to live our lives differently because God first loved us. We want to live in communion and community with others because God first loved us and God first loved all people!
Resistance is as much about us as repentance is…Both are about recognizing our sacred worth as individuals and that God does indeed love us enough to be better people. To be better than hurting people…To be better than being hurt…We are called to higher than that because of God’s love. God’s unrelenting and unconditional love that claims us as God’s own…The love of God that pulls us from the dark and broken places and gives us the courage that we need to work towards healing. This is not always an easy journey, but it is an important one.
This morning as Evrett plays a song for us, you may have the opportunity to come forward and place something in the suitcase…there is paper up here still to be able to write down someone that you have wronged or has wronged you…something that you need to repent for or something that you need to reclaim from someone else. The altar is also available to pray about those situations and places in your lives. After the song has ended, we will sing together the 4th verse of Amazing Grace.
Welcome to the 4th Sunday in Lent…Lent is the 6 weeks or 40 days that lead up to Easter. It’s the season in the church where we are preparing for the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection. But in order for Jesus to be resurrected, it means that Jesus has to die. So, Lent is that journey that we remember Jesus makes, but also that we make…So that we may trim away the part of us that needs to die in order for us to experience the full potential of Jesus’ resurrection. The way we have been doing that here at Sheridan-Norway United Methodist Churches is through our series, “From Hurt to Healing.” Each week, we’ve explored a theme or topic relating to being hurt or hurting others. We’ve discussed shame—the feeling that those victims or sinned-against feel when something has been done to them that is not right. We’ve discussed guilt—the feeling that offenders or sinners feel when they’ve done something wrong and they realize that it is wrong…And last week, we shook our pop cans up in our discussion of anger—what happens when our anger turns into rage and that it’s okay to be angry, but we need to be angry at the right things…And each week as we’ve done that, we’ve had some physical responses—we’ve been packing our suitcase along this journey & filling it with those things either an actual item or written down—those things that are keeping us from recognizing the full power of Easter and Jesus’ resurrection & our healing….
This week, we are starting to shift into healing…Our first 3 weeks were working at identifying the hurts or what may be at the center of those hurts…For those who experience shame, I hope that you’ve explored why that is for you—what has someone done that has developed that shame in you? Or what is it that you feel guilty about? What have you done to someone else that you feel you have done wrong? Or what are you truly angry about and how do you channel your anger into something positive rather than something destructive and avoiding rage.
Those who have been wounded naturally seek revenge in anger—destructive or creatively…Our job is to channel our anger into something creative rather than something destructive. The ideal situation when someone has been wronged would be for the offender to recognize it and seek forgiveness, but that doesn’t always happen. So if it doesn’t the victim needs to confront the offender because by doing nothing means that the victim allows the offender to live with their wrong. To punish or get rid of the offender in someone way really just starts a new cycle of resentment & violence…as Ghandi once said, “An eye for an eye ends up making the whole world blind.” And Jesus taught very clearly in our passage from Matthew about turning the other cheek. So what does it mean to turn the other cheek? Or go the second mile? Or give someone your cloak?
In his book From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park identifies three principles in Christian responses to victimization: challenge, care, & respect. Now, the order of these should be: care, respect, & challenge because we can’t challenge the offender without care or respect because if we didn’t—it would only lead to further conflict. Think about the last time someone had given you criticism…did you accept it or did you get offended? How much of that had to do with the person giving you the feedback and whether or not you knew that they cared about you?
Let’s look first at challenge…And we’ll look at it using the passage from Matthew—specifically: “If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” Now, let’s look at this for a moment…In order to hit someone on the right cheek how do you have to do it? One of two ways—either with your left hand or with the back of your hand. Here’s what makes that offensive…the left hand in Jesus’ time was considered to be completely unclean…if you ate with the right hand—you did other business with the left hand. So to be slapped with a left hand was an insult and dirty…Now to receive a backhanded slap meant something very insulting and demeaning…Actually, today we don’t have wonderful slang terms to describe this type of slap either. What did it mean to be slapped with the back of someone’s hand? A backhanded slap was twice as insulting as a front handed slap. Because a backhanded slap was what one did to another who was inferior or less than them…Masters would backhand slaves to humiliate them… parents to children, Romans to Jews…It was a mark of insult to receive a backhanded slap. And Jesus challenges this behavior by saying, “If someone hits you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” Essentially Jesus is saying, “Let them hit you again.” Some of you may be a little shocked at hearing that because that’s not the way most people have heard or interpreted that part of the passage…This is a very clear form of non-violent resistance as Jesus is saying that the backhanded slap did not do what it was intended to do—I deny your power to humiliate me. Turning to offer the left cheek meant that it would be a front handed slap—the kind of slap that happened between equals. By turning the other cheek, Jesus is saying that we demand to be treated as an equal, not as someone who is less than.
The same is true as Jesus says, “If anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give them your cloak as well.” The cloak refers to the undergarments… So if someone sues you for your coat, give them your cloak as well…In order to give someone both your coat & cloak meant that you would be walking out of court naked. Which as it still is today, was taboo in Israel…But the shame was not on the person who was naked, but on the person who caused them to be naked. It was the Law of Moses that if anyone took someone’s cloak, they were required to give it back at the end of the day because it may be the only thing that they have to keep them warm at night. The very act of taking leaving naked will show the cruelty of a creditor who is exploiting someone who is poor. Walter Wink says that the act can be summed up this way, “You want my robe? Here, take everything! Now you’ve got all I have except my body. Is that what you’ll take next?”
Offenders can be challenged in several ways: nonviolent resistance, noncooperative resistance, civil disobedience, boy-cotts, sit-ins…The offended need to choose a form that does not avoid the principle of care. As Andrew Park says, “Challenge is not a choice but is an obligation for Christians in the face of injustice. Its goal is not to punish or destroy the offender but to help him or her be penitent.”
So what is care? Well let’s turn again to Matthew—“If anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.” Roman soldiers had the right in those days to force labor on people—they could require someone to carry their supplies or gear for up to a mile, but because so many Roman soldiers had abused this…It was unlawful for a soldier to ask someone to go more than one mile. So, by going the second mile means that the Roman soldier is starting to get a little nervous! And could lead to a comedic scene as the Roman soldier begs the person carrying back his bags! By going the second mile, Jesus is teaching a new third way: not fight or flight, but find a creative alternative to violence and assert your own dignity & humanity. And most clearly doing this out of love…Unrelenting love.
It would be easy to receive a slap on the cheek and not do anything—avoid the person, but starting to build up resentment or hatred…But imagine if in love we demand justice and to be treated equally…If we care for a person, we want them to be better—we don’t want them to continue in their wrongs! It’s not easy to love those people, but if we love them we can’t let people continue in their wrongs…By being silent and not doing anything, we allow the destructive behavior to continue. But Jesus teaches us to overcome evil with good…with love & care.
Everyone needs respect—an attitude of admiration…respect provides positive self-esteem…If someone does not feel respected, it is nearly impossible for any kind of change or transformation to occur. But respect is mutual…both parties need to have a mutual respect for one another.
Elsewhere in Matthew, Jesus gives the ways that the church is deal with conflicts using these same principles. The first step is a private conversation—not calling attention to the issue for everyone, but saying it privately so as to preserve the honor of the individual. If that doesn’t work—the second step is to bring in one or two witnesses which provides protection for both parties. If that didn’t work, the third step was to involve the whole community. And if that didn’t work, the person was asked to leave until they were able to participate in reconciliation…until they were able to repent for what they had done.
Repentance is what we do when we feel guilty for doing something…Well it’s what we’re supposed to do when we feel guilty for doing something. Repentance is a transformation—first of the heart and then of the way that we live our life…The Roman Catholic Church has 6 steps to repentance, which have been tweaked a little bit for our purposes this morning…
First, repentance begins with contrition…which is an internal transformation. It is the decision before God to not repeat the sin. The act of contrition should come because God loves us and not out of fear—but love that leads us to love God & love others.
Second, confession is the next step…confession is an important step in being forgiven, because one needs to know what they’re asking forgiveness for! It can be uncomfortable to admit you were wrong or that you did something that was wrong, so this is a step that many people are unable to do. We’ll look at this more next week as we discuss forgiveness.
Third, repentance means changing one’s behavior…It is the turning around and going the other direction of what you were doing. It is the concrete response to the contrition—in contrition, we promise not to sin again and in repentance, we actually work on not sinning again.
Fourth, recompense—repentance is only genuine when it offers compensation…What can I do for what I have done? If you are not willing to sacrifice to make up for what you have done, you’re not willing to repent.
Fifth, asking for forgiveness. This doesn’t mean that you forget the acts of injustice, but that you are given new opportunities. We’ll explore forgiveness next week.
Sixth, Repentance leads to reconciliation. A genuine act of repentance leads to an opportunity to live in positive relationships once again.
The story of the prodigal child—the son who returned home realized that what he did was wrong…He demanded his inheritance which he essentially told his father he wished his father was dead because that’s the only way that you get an inheritance! Then, he squandered it all away and was forced to feed the pigs…So, recognizing what he had done, he decides that he’s going to go home…He has experienced contrition because he recognizes that he has sinned against God & his father…He has confessed to God and he’s on his way to confess to his father that he knows what he has done…He is going to change his behavior and repent…He is willing to work for his father in order to come home—he’s willing to be treated as though he were a servant in order to make up for what he’s done. He asks his father for forgiveness and ultimately, the father forgives him and they are reconciled in their relationship.
Repentance is done out of love not out of fear…We repent because a loving God leads us to repent not because we think God will love us if we do repent! We want to live our lives differently because God first loved us. We want to live in communion and community with others because God first loved us and God first loved all people!
Resistance is as much about us as repentance is…Both are about recognizing our sacred worth as individuals and that God does indeed love us enough to be better people. To be better than hurting people…To be better than being hurt…We are called to higher than that because of God’s love. God’s unrelenting and unconditional love that claims us as God’s own…The love of God that pulls us from the dark and broken places and gives us the courage that we need to work towards healing. This is not always an easy journey, but it is an important one.
This morning as Evrett plays a song for us, you may have the opportunity to come forward and place something in the suitcase…there is paper up here still to be able to write down someone that you have wronged or has wronged you…something that you need to repent for or something that you need to reclaim from someone else. The altar is also available to pray about those situations and places in your lives. After the song has ended, we will sing together the 4th verse of Amazing Grace.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Anger
Anger
For the last few weeks, we have been in the season called Lent…Lent is the season in the church as we prepare for Easter. Lent is a time of working on eliminating or trimming something in our lives that keeps us from recognizing the full potential & power of Easter…Jesus’ journey of Lent took him from his ministry to his death and ultimately his resurrection…As we join that journey with Jesus, our Lenten journey is also taking us from hurt to healing. As we’ve been on this journey, we have been packing our suitcase and putting in their some of our hurts & things that have kept us from fully understanding the full power of Easter & Jesus’ resurrection.
Our first week of Lent, we explored shame—the feeling that victims or those sinned-against feel when they have been wronged…Last week, we explored guilt—the feeling that sinners or offenders feel when they have done something wrong and feel bad about it…Now, both of those emotions lead into our topic & feeling for this morning as we explore anger.
Now, our first day with the series, I had asked how many people had been hurt or had hurt others and well, every hand was raised…I would guess that if I asked this morning how many people had been angry, the same thing would happen! All of us have been angry at one time or another and some people are just angry all the time and others it seems like nothing ever bothers them…And some anger can be helpful as a way that we preserve our boundaries or our integrity…Or to help propel us to work for justice. But, the problem is that most anger is not all that helpful…Especially prolonged anger and especially not rage! This morning, we’ll look at shame anger & guilt anger.
If shame is the emotion and reaction of those who have been sinned against, then shame anger is the anger of the offended…It’s also called assertive anger because it is positive and constructive. Assertive anger is a just response to injustice and evil, or a self-protective response to a threat. This type of anger seeks to make a relationship or situation better rather than worse. It doesn’t mean that you ignore the situation, just that you share your feelings with honesty to improve a relationship.
And if guilt is what we feel when we recognize that we have done something wrong…Guilt anger is the anger of offenders. It’s also described as aggressive anger which comes from a desire to control rather than repair. Some behaviors that are associated with this anger are: humiliation, exploitation, domination, denigration…It is usually expressed through shouting, threatening and blaming. Now these expressions may help momentarily to make someone feel better, but long term they greatly affect relationships and may remove trust, cooperation, and respect. This kind of anger usually comes about because facing the guilt of our sins is painful and that pain turns into anger. You may have heard it said that we often lash out at the things that we dislike about ourselves…For example; I once worked with an alcoholic who had secretly begun drinking again. Before he confessed this, he would go on tirades against anyone who had any alcoholic drink. He would belittle and mock and judge these people when really, he wanted to belittle, mock, and judge himself. The pain of facing his guilt caused him to act out in anger to others. This anger is what Paul is referring to in his letter to the Colossians…this anger that is destructive rather than helpful.
The acting out in anger that is uncontrollable is rage…Anger can be controlled, but rage cannot. Anger can be a strength that protects us, but rage’s explosive nature can harm us. We’ve probably also experienced this reaction both on our parts as we have acted out in rage and on the receiving end as someone has acted in rage towards us.
So how do we keep that from happening? From our anger turning into rage? In his book, From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park gives some helpful steps…First; wait until your fury has cooled down. In the passion of anger, our perception is exaggerated and warped and we don’t necessarily see things as they really are because we can’t see things out of the lens of our anger. In this state, we can say or do things to intentionally hurt the other person which would ruin the opportunity to make the relationship better. Now this cooling off time is not ignoring your anger, but rather actually acknowledging it. To understand that yes, I am angry which means I am not really thinking clearly, so once the heat of emotion has passed, the power of reason can balance our emotions out. You don’t have to lose the passion of anger because that’s controllable…rage is what is not controllable.
The second step is to accept our anger as it is. Which means that we don’t deny our anger or try to repress it, but we become aware of it and we own it instead of letting it own us. Being angry itself is not necessarily a bad thing because it’s a natural response to injustice or threat and that in and of itself is not a sin—but acting in rage is a sin. To be aware and accept our anger, we need to locate its source—not to rationalize, but to understand where it really comes from. When we find the source of the anger, we can decide what our response is to the one who provoked our anger…
The third step is to understand our offenders. Andrew Sung Park says it this way, “Understanding the bondage our offenders are in can give us compassion for them. When we understand our offenders in their vulnerability, anxiety, fear, false security and brokenness, the heart of concern emerges from within us. Also, although our offenders may appear to be invulnerable, strong, and arrogant, they are in reality miserable before God. They condemn themselves by their own actions.” This does not mean that it excuses the offender in any way, shape or form or that we in some way made them do something.
Here’s what we’re like sometimes…you heard as I talked with the kids this morning about being like Coke…Sometimes I just feel so refreshing and cool…but then someone says or does something to rile me up and I just shaken a little bit…Or something happens here and I get a little more upset…and a little more and more and more…Now, we can see from the bottle here, that I’m a little bit less than refreshing right now, right? But to myself, I still am…I’m cool and refreshing, so I should just open myself up, right? Now I see once again the panicked looked on some of your faces as you think about me opening this bottle…Why? Because it would go all over, right? And you can see that pretty clearly through the bottle…But what if I’m more like this can? And the same things have happened…Several things have happened and I get shaken up and shaken up…But you can’t see that through the aluminum of the can…But the same reaction would be there…No matter how refreshing I still think that I might be, I might just explode instead…And then what happens? Well, there are two options…Clearly, there’s a mess that’s been made…and I can do two things…I can wipe up the spill and clean up the mess or I can ignore it and leave it…Now, if I ignore it and leave it what happens? Maybe it’ll collect some ants or other insects…but anyone who’s been in a movie theater has probably felt that stickiness of the floor…the floor which has had plenty of pop spilled on it and probably not cleaned up right away and so it gets sticky…So that the next person who walks through there as innocent as they may be gets a little bit stuck…The same is true when we are angry and we’ve acted out of rage…we can clean up the mess that we’ve made…apologize try to make amends—As Jesus says from our Gospel passage, come to terms with our accusers—those that we have truly wronged—admit it to them and apologize and make amends…So, we can try to clean up the mess that we’ve made…Or we can just leave it there and someone else might get stuck by the mess we made…They may not have been there in our original outburst, but they still feel the sting of rage. Sometimes we know that we’re not all that cool & refreshing anymore, but we think that we’ll be the only ones affected when we open up that can…but the thing with the carbonated beverage is that it doesn’t really just go one way—it’s kind of unpredictable and goes its own way and we can’t control it…Like our rage—it’s not just something that effects us, but we can’t control where it goes and it may hit someone else in the process.
Jesus says in our Gospel passage from this morning…that “you’ve heard it said that you shall not commit murder or you will be liable for judgment…But I tell you, anyone who is angry with or insults or says “you fool”, they are just as liable to judgment…” It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be angry, but when we act in rage, it can be extremely hurtful. In the movie Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood’s character, Walt Kowalski, is very racist and extremely stubborn. The way that he expresses himself is often very hurtful, even in cases when he may be right. Walt’s prize possession is his 1972 Gran Torino—beautiful and in perfect condition…Walt’s next door neighbor, Tao broke into his garage one evening because he needed to steal the car in order to be initiated into a gang. Tao really didn’t want to do it at all, but was pressured and forced into trying to steal the car…Walt catches Tao in the act and forces Tao out of the garage at gun point. Trying to entice Tao or someone else to just try and steal his car, he puts it out front and shows it off…What happens instead is the gang members come back to Tao’s house and try and punish him for not succeeding…As the fight rolls over into Walt’s yard, he forces the gang members to leave the property, which in return probably saves Tao’s life. Here’s the response from the community. (clip). First of all Walt doesn’t want the attention because he doesn’t think he’s done anything heroic and he has a lot of guilt over the mistakes he’s made in his life…He takes his guilt out on everyone else in the form of his guilt anger…and in this case, he has been wronged by Tao trying to steal his car—something that is not okay…But by acting out from his shame anger, Walt makes it clear that he is not interested in making their relationship better, but instead threatens Tao’s life… What we say and do affects other people…Whether we think it does or not…What we say and do affects other people…How we say it, what we do…What we say and do affects other people…What other people say and do affect us, whether we want to admit it or not…How do you respond…Do you seek reconciliation like Jesus says or do you try and destroy the relationship? St. Francis of Assisi offers this blessing, “May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. Amen. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. Amen. May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen.”
This morning during our invitation to the Lenten journey, you may come forward with your pop can to place in the suitcase—opened or unopened to symbolize putting your rage aside…or maybe there is something in particular that you need to let your fury cool down before you are able to fully embrace Easter. Write it down on this paper and put it in an envelope with your name on the front and then place it in the suitcase. Evrett will play a song for you to reflect what that might be and give you an opportunity to come forward and then we will sing the 3rd verse of Amazing Grace…
For the last few weeks, we have been in the season called Lent…Lent is the season in the church as we prepare for Easter. Lent is a time of working on eliminating or trimming something in our lives that keeps us from recognizing the full potential & power of Easter…Jesus’ journey of Lent took him from his ministry to his death and ultimately his resurrection…As we join that journey with Jesus, our Lenten journey is also taking us from hurt to healing. As we’ve been on this journey, we have been packing our suitcase and putting in their some of our hurts & things that have kept us from fully understanding the full power of Easter & Jesus’ resurrection.
Our first week of Lent, we explored shame—the feeling that victims or those sinned-against feel when they have been wronged…Last week, we explored guilt—the feeling that sinners or offenders feel when they have done something wrong and feel bad about it…Now, both of those emotions lead into our topic & feeling for this morning as we explore anger.
Now, our first day with the series, I had asked how many people had been hurt or had hurt others and well, every hand was raised…I would guess that if I asked this morning how many people had been angry, the same thing would happen! All of us have been angry at one time or another and some people are just angry all the time and others it seems like nothing ever bothers them…And some anger can be helpful as a way that we preserve our boundaries or our integrity…Or to help propel us to work for justice. But, the problem is that most anger is not all that helpful…Especially prolonged anger and especially not rage! This morning, we’ll look at shame anger & guilt anger.
If shame is the emotion and reaction of those who have been sinned against, then shame anger is the anger of the offended…It’s also called assertive anger because it is positive and constructive. Assertive anger is a just response to injustice and evil, or a self-protective response to a threat. This type of anger seeks to make a relationship or situation better rather than worse. It doesn’t mean that you ignore the situation, just that you share your feelings with honesty to improve a relationship.
And if guilt is what we feel when we recognize that we have done something wrong…Guilt anger is the anger of offenders. It’s also described as aggressive anger which comes from a desire to control rather than repair. Some behaviors that are associated with this anger are: humiliation, exploitation, domination, denigration…It is usually expressed through shouting, threatening and blaming. Now these expressions may help momentarily to make someone feel better, but long term they greatly affect relationships and may remove trust, cooperation, and respect. This kind of anger usually comes about because facing the guilt of our sins is painful and that pain turns into anger. You may have heard it said that we often lash out at the things that we dislike about ourselves…For example; I once worked with an alcoholic who had secretly begun drinking again. Before he confessed this, he would go on tirades against anyone who had any alcoholic drink. He would belittle and mock and judge these people when really, he wanted to belittle, mock, and judge himself. The pain of facing his guilt caused him to act out in anger to others. This anger is what Paul is referring to in his letter to the Colossians…this anger that is destructive rather than helpful.
The acting out in anger that is uncontrollable is rage…Anger can be controlled, but rage cannot. Anger can be a strength that protects us, but rage’s explosive nature can harm us. We’ve probably also experienced this reaction both on our parts as we have acted out in rage and on the receiving end as someone has acted in rage towards us.
So how do we keep that from happening? From our anger turning into rage? In his book, From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park gives some helpful steps…First; wait until your fury has cooled down. In the passion of anger, our perception is exaggerated and warped and we don’t necessarily see things as they really are because we can’t see things out of the lens of our anger. In this state, we can say or do things to intentionally hurt the other person which would ruin the opportunity to make the relationship better. Now this cooling off time is not ignoring your anger, but rather actually acknowledging it. To understand that yes, I am angry which means I am not really thinking clearly, so once the heat of emotion has passed, the power of reason can balance our emotions out. You don’t have to lose the passion of anger because that’s controllable…rage is what is not controllable.
The second step is to accept our anger as it is. Which means that we don’t deny our anger or try to repress it, but we become aware of it and we own it instead of letting it own us. Being angry itself is not necessarily a bad thing because it’s a natural response to injustice or threat and that in and of itself is not a sin—but acting in rage is a sin. To be aware and accept our anger, we need to locate its source—not to rationalize, but to understand where it really comes from. When we find the source of the anger, we can decide what our response is to the one who provoked our anger…
The third step is to understand our offenders. Andrew Sung Park says it this way, “Understanding the bondage our offenders are in can give us compassion for them. When we understand our offenders in their vulnerability, anxiety, fear, false security and brokenness, the heart of concern emerges from within us. Also, although our offenders may appear to be invulnerable, strong, and arrogant, they are in reality miserable before God. They condemn themselves by their own actions.” This does not mean that it excuses the offender in any way, shape or form or that we in some way made them do something.
Here’s what we’re like sometimes…you heard as I talked with the kids this morning about being like Coke…Sometimes I just feel so refreshing and cool…but then someone says or does something to rile me up and I just shaken a little bit…Or something happens here and I get a little more upset…and a little more and more and more…Now, we can see from the bottle here, that I’m a little bit less than refreshing right now, right? But to myself, I still am…I’m cool and refreshing, so I should just open myself up, right? Now I see once again the panicked looked on some of your faces as you think about me opening this bottle…Why? Because it would go all over, right? And you can see that pretty clearly through the bottle…But what if I’m more like this can? And the same things have happened…Several things have happened and I get shaken up and shaken up…But you can’t see that through the aluminum of the can…But the same reaction would be there…No matter how refreshing I still think that I might be, I might just explode instead…And then what happens? Well, there are two options…Clearly, there’s a mess that’s been made…and I can do two things…I can wipe up the spill and clean up the mess or I can ignore it and leave it…Now, if I ignore it and leave it what happens? Maybe it’ll collect some ants or other insects…but anyone who’s been in a movie theater has probably felt that stickiness of the floor…the floor which has had plenty of pop spilled on it and probably not cleaned up right away and so it gets sticky…So that the next person who walks through there as innocent as they may be gets a little bit stuck…The same is true when we are angry and we’ve acted out of rage…we can clean up the mess that we’ve made…apologize try to make amends—As Jesus says from our Gospel passage, come to terms with our accusers—those that we have truly wronged—admit it to them and apologize and make amends…So, we can try to clean up the mess that we’ve made…Or we can just leave it there and someone else might get stuck by the mess we made…They may not have been there in our original outburst, but they still feel the sting of rage. Sometimes we know that we’re not all that cool & refreshing anymore, but we think that we’ll be the only ones affected when we open up that can…but the thing with the carbonated beverage is that it doesn’t really just go one way—it’s kind of unpredictable and goes its own way and we can’t control it…Like our rage—it’s not just something that effects us, but we can’t control where it goes and it may hit someone else in the process.
Jesus says in our Gospel passage from this morning…that “you’ve heard it said that you shall not commit murder or you will be liable for judgment…But I tell you, anyone who is angry with or insults or says “you fool”, they are just as liable to judgment…” It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be angry, but when we act in rage, it can be extremely hurtful. In the movie Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood’s character, Walt Kowalski, is very racist and extremely stubborn. The way that he expresses himself is often very hurtful, even in cases when he may be right. Walt’s prize possession is his 1972 Gran Torino—beautiful and in perfect condition…Walt’s next door neighbor, Tao broke into his garage one evening because he needed to steal the car in order to be initiated into a gang. Tao really didn’t want to do it at all, but was pressured and forced into trying to steal the car…Walt catches Tao in the act and forces Tao out of the garage at gun point. Trying to entice Tao or someone else to just try and steal his car, he puts it out front and shows it off…What happens instead is the gang members come back to Tao’s house and try and punish him for not succeeding…As the fight rolls over into Walt’s yard, he forces the gang members to leave the property, which in return probably saves Tao’s life. Here’s the response from the community. (clip). First of all Walt doesn’t want the attention because he doesn’t think he’s done anything heroic and he has a lot of guilt over the mistakes he’s made in his life…He takes his guilt out on everyone else in the form of his guilt anger…and in this case, he has been wronged by Tao trying to steal his car—something that is not okay…But by acting out from his shame anger, Walt makes it clear that he is not interested in making their relationship better, but instead threatens Tao’s life… What we say and do affects other people…Whether we think it does or not…What we say and do affects other people…How we say it, what we do…What we say and do affects other people…What other people say and do affect us, whether we want to admit it or not…How do you respond…Do you seek reconciliation like Jesus says or do you try and destroy the relationship? St. Francis of Assisi offers this blessing, “May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. Amen. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. Amen. May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen.”
This morning during our invitation to the Lenten journey, you may come forward with your pop can to place in the suitcase—opened or unopened to symbolize putting your rage aside…or maybe there is something in particular that you need to let your fury cool down before you are able to fully embrace Easter. Write it down on this paper and put it in an envelope with your name on the front and then place it in the suitcase. Evrett will play a song for you to reflect what that might be and give you an opportunity to come forward and then we will sing the 3rd verse of Amazing Grace…
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Guilt
From Hurt to Healing: Guilt
It is the second Sunday of Lent—the 40 day season that we observe before Easter. Lent is usually a time of reflection and repentance and contemplation as we prepare for Easter. It’s a time when we work at getting rid of all of things in our lives that keep us from fully celebrating Easter. As our observance of Lent here at Sheridan-Norway UMC, our series is “From Hurt to Healing” and we are joining Jesus on this journey to confront those broken & fragile places in our lives that keep us from fully recognizing the power of Easter. Ultimately, because we do know the full story, we know of the hope and healing that we have from Jesus Christ. That’s why Sundays are not included in the 40 days of Lent—because we recognize those as “mini-Easters.”
Along this journey, we are working through different themes & topics related to being hurt or hurting others. Our final goal will get us to healing. Now, for some your hurts may be too great to consider yourself healed of them after 6 weeks, but hopefully you will have some tools and a beginning to work towards healing. As we continue on this journey each week in our worship service, there will be opportunities for a physical response or action. We have our suitcase up here…Because when you go on a journey or on a trip, you need to pack and so that’s what we’re doing. We’re filling our suitcase with all of the things that are keeping us from going completely on this journey. Because Lent is a time of giving things up in order to make room for Easter, we’ll be putting those kinds of things in our suitcase. For the next few weeks, you’ll still have opportunities to help fill our suitcase as we open it up every Sunday—so even if you’re not ready today to put anything in there—a physical object or writing it down, there will still be opportunities to do that. The things that you write down may be things that you want to stop doing to yourself or to others—like, “I want to stop escaping the world through TV” or a hurt that you want to work at giving up—like, “My parent never supported me and made me feel like a failure.” Whatever your hurt is, write it on this piece of paper and put it in an envelope with your name on the front. We will unpack our suitcase with all of our hurts things that have kept us from going on this journey with Jesus on Easter morning.
The journey that we take from hurt to healing will lead us through some difficult places—last week we looked at shame…Shame is not guilt as shame is something that those who are victims or the sinned against feel because something has been done to you against your will or without your consent. This morning, we will explore what shame is not…Guilt.
I’m going to tell you something that might be news to a few people…We all sin…I know for some that is hard to believe! Or at least there are some people in this world who act like it…It’s true—we all sin…we all do things that we’re not supposed to…Whether we’re aware of it or not, we do things that keep us from God. That may be to God directly or indirectly by hurting people. Guilt is our awareness of having done wrong or committed sin. In his book, From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park identifies the different dimensions of guilt… there is legal, ethical and religious guilt. Legal guilt is responsibility for crimes—It’s not okay to rob a bank…Ethical guilt is a moral accountability—“Drinking for alcoholics is legal, yet it may cause moral guilt for them.” Religious guilt concerns our obligations before God & our neighbor…Saying an insult under our breath may not be legally or ethically wrong, but can be religiously wrong. With these dimensions of guilt, there is also appropriate guilt & inappropriate guilt.
Andrew Sung Park calls appropriate guilt, “the offenders’ awareness of their offence, crime, sin, & failure of duty.” And “true guilt is guilt at the remorseful awareness we have for our offence and the obligation we owe to ourselves to be our best selves.” There are times when we can rationalize something we’ve done to make it seem okay or make ourselves feel better about what we’ve done. Guilt is that awareness that we’ve done something wrong and we feel bad about it.
The Christian concept of guilt engages three concepts: responsibility, blameworthiness, & obligation. Responsibility means that we have the power to use our freedom to make ethical decisions and are therefore held responsible for our conduct. I can have the choice to hit another person, but will be held responsible for what I do. Blameworthiness means that our actions and attitudes deserve penalty or punishment. If I choose to hit that person, I may be put in time out as a child or arrested for assault as an adult. Obligation is a trespass made good through payment or compensation. The person that I hit may require I pay for their medical treatment or repair any damage to their personal items.
Guilt can pressure us to confess…Maybe there’s something that we think we’ve gotten away with, but we feel bad about what we’ve done…No one knows that I hit that other car, but you can see the damage on the car and I feel bad for it…So my guilt can cause me to confess so that my error can be forgiven or punished. Once guilt is confessed, it can be alleviated. There are several steps in this process: admitting my fault, taking responsibility for my actions, and make up for my wrongs.
The song Amazing Grace was written in response to the trading of slaves. Rev. John Newton was convicted of his sins and responsibility in the trading of slaves that he fought against the British government with William Wilberforce to end slavery. Through this struggle of guilt and redemption, Rev. Newton understood God’s grace. Watch this clip from the movie, Amazing Grace. (Clip)…Rev. Newton admitted his fault in the slave trade and what he had done—in this clip, he talked about not respecting the names of the African slaves. He weeps at what he knows has been done and what he did…And he wrote a song to share with others—to make them feel the guilt that slavery is wrong…He begins to make up for where he has sinned.
Inappropriate guilt causes us to blame ourselves and to look at ourselves in a negative way. There may be something that we are not guilty of in any way shape or form, but we feel guilty or we misplace our guilt. This is sometimes called survivor’s guilt…Robert Maddalone, a firefighter in Brooklyn said this after September 11, “I’m thankful I’m alive, but I feel guilty I’m alive. I’m trying to remember the guys who aren’t here. Their wives & children. It’s a hollow feeling. You try to laugh sometimes to keep your sanity, but you feel bad about laughing.”
Other forms of inappropriate guilt make us believe that we are not really guilty of anything, but in reality we have really hurt others…It’s how we justify our actions… “Well, I wouldn’t have hit you if you just would have done things right.” Or “Well, they did it to me first!” Those who share in this kind of guilt will deny their guilt when confronted because they think they’ll be let off the hook.
In our Gospel lesson from Mark, Peter tries to make Jesus feel guilty…Jesus talks very openly and honestly about the fact that the Son of Man will suffer and die in order to be raised again. Peter thinks that this can’t possibly be something that would happen to Jesus…So, Peter pulls Jesus aside and begins to rebuke him…Peter pulls Jesus aside and tells him that he’s wrong! Now, we look at Jesus much differently than Peter did at that moment…We know that everything Jesus said came to be and Peter doesn’t know that at this moment…But seriously, can you imagine pulling Jesus aside and yelling at him, telling him he’s wrong?!? That’s exactly what Peter does! And he does it because he wants Jesus to understand the guilt that he should feel…Jesus shouldn’t be telling lies or things that are not true! He should be working at overthrowing the government not being killed by it! Jesus doesn’t take this very well and doesn’t accept the guilt that Peter is trying to give him…Instead, he rebukes Peter…He yells at Peter and says, “Get behind me Satan! You are setting your mind on human things instead of divine things!” Instead of accepting Peter’s inappropriate guilt, Jesus tells Peter that he’s the one that’s wrong. And even gives Peter the steps that he needs to remove his guilt…Set his mind on divine things and give up his life…Because those who lose their life for Jesus’ sake & for the sake of the Gospel will gain it…As we know Peter’s story—there were times that Peter was really good at that and there were times that Peter fell short again…
The letter the Ephesians hits on the guilt that we have as sinners…But just as Rev. John Newton said in the clip from Amazing Grace, there are 2 things I can remember—I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior. By God’s grace, we have been forgiven…That’s not to say that we don’t have to atone for our transgressions against one another…God forgives you if you ask for it, but you must also ask forgiveness of the brother or sister that you have hurt…But the grace that you have received is free…You can’t do anything to earn grace--- the very definition of grace is free, unmerited love. You can’t earn more grace or do anything to pay God back for what God has done! If you think that you can, you will be disappointed over and over again and feel the shame of failure for not living up to the expectations you may have of yourself. God’s grace is not earned…But because of the grace that you have been given, you share that message with others. You help others to know that grace for themselves! Like the song Amazing Grace…There’s nothing in there that points directly to slavery, but it does point to the sins that we all commit. We are all convicted by our own sins and our own guilts to recognize God’s grace that redeems us…God’s grace which pulls us from the broken places and helps us to become the best self that we can possibly be…The person that God created us to be…That’s what grace does! Oh it is amazing…And we share it with others not to force them to feel guilty, but to help others understand that God is a great God who offers this to us…That those who lose their life will save it…That God loves us with a love that we cannot imagine…Amazing Grace!
As we join on this Lenten Journey, the song from Chris Tomlin, Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) will play and if you have something to pack away on this journey, you may bring it forward to place in the suitcase and you can also take this opportunity to pray at the altar. After the song has ended, we will sing together the 2nd verse of Amazing Grace.
It is the second Sunday of Lent—the 40 day season that we observe before Easter. Lent is usually a time of reflection and repentance and contemplation as we prepare for Easter. It’s a time when we work at getting rid of all of things in our lives that keep us from fully celebrating Easter. As our observance of Lent here at Sheridan-Norway UMC, our series is “From Hurt to Healing” and we are joining Jesus on this journey to confront those broken & fragile places in our lives that keep us from fully recognizing the power of Easter. Ultimately, because we do know the full story, we know of the hope and healing that we have from Jesus Christ. That’s why Sundays are not included in the 40 days of Lent—because we recognize those as “mini-Easters.”
Along this journey, we are working through different themes & topics related to being hurt or hurting others. Our final goal will get us to healing. Now, for some your hurts may be too great to consider yourself healed of them after 6 weeks, but hopefully you will have some tools and a beginning to work towards healing. As we continue on this journey each week in our worship service, there will be opportunities for a physical response or action. We have our suitcase up here…Because when you go on a journey or on a trip, you need to pack and so that’s what we’re doing. We’re filling our suitcase with all of the things that are keeping us from going completely on this journey. Because Lent is a time of giving things up in order to make room for Easter, we’ll be putting those kinds of things in our suitcase. For the next few weeks, you’ll still have opportunities to help fill our suitcase as we open it up every Sunday—so even if you’re not ready today to put anything in there—a physical object or writing it down, there will still be opportunities to do that. The things that you write down may be things that you want to stop doing to yourself or to others—like, “I want to stop escaping the world through TV” or a hurt that you want to work at giving up—like, “My parent never supported me and made me feel like a failure.” Whatever your hurt is, write it on this piece of paper and put it in an envelope with your name on the front. We will unpack our suitcase with all of our hurts things that have kept us from going on this journey with Jesus on Easter morning.
The journey that we take from hurt to healing will lead us through some difficult places—last week we looked at shame…Shame is not guilt as shame is something that those who are victims or the sinned against feel because something has been done to you against your will or without your consent. This morning, we will explore what shame is not…Guilt.
I’m going to tell you something that might be news to a few people…We all sin…I know for some that is hard to believe! Or at least there are some people in this world who act like it…It’s true—we all sin…we all do things that we’re not supposed to…Whether we’re aware of it or not, we do things that keep us from God. That may be to God directly or indirectly by hurting people. Guilt is our awareness of having done wrong or committed sin. In his book, From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park identifies the different dimensions of guilt… there is legal, ethical and religious guilt. Legal guilt is responsibility for crimes—It’s not okay to rob a bank…Ethical guilt is a moral accountability—“Drinking for alcoholics is legal, yet it may cause moral guilt for them.” Religious guilt concerns our obligations before God & our neighbor…Saying an insult under our breath may not be legally or ethically wrong, but can be religiously wrong. With these dimensions of guilt, there is also appropriate guilt & inappropriate guilt.
Andrew Sung Park calls appropriate guilt, “the offenders’ awareness of their offence, crime, sin, & failure of duty.” And “true guilt is guilt at the remorseful awareness we have for our offence and the obligation we owe to ourselves to be our best selves.” There are times when we can rationalize something we’ve done to make it seem okay or make ourselves feel better about what we’ve done. Guilt is that awareness that we’ve done something wrong and we feel bad about it.
The Christian concept of guilt engages three concepts: responsibility, blameworthiness, & obligation. Responsibility means that we have the power to use our freedom to make ethical decisions and are therefore held responsible for our conduct. I can have the choice to hit another person, but will be held responsible for what I do. Blameworthiness means that our actions and attitudes deserve penalty or punishment. If I choose to hit that person, I may be put in time out as a child or arrested for assault as an adult. Obligation is a trespass made good through payment or compensation. The person that I hit may require I pay for their medical treatment or repair any damage to their personal items.
Guilt can pressure us to confess…Maybe there’s something that we think we’ve gotten away with, but we feel bad about what we’ve done…No one knows that I hit that other car, but you can see the damage on the car and I feel bad for it…So my guilt can cause me to confess so that my error can be forgiven or punished. Once guilt is confessed, it can be alleviated. There are several steps in this process: admitting my fault, taking responsibility for my actions, and make up for my wrongs.
The song Amazing Grace was written in response to the trading of slaves. Rev. John Newton was convicted of his sins and responsibility in the trading of slaves that he fought against the British government with William Wilberforce to end slavery. Through this struggle of guilt and redemption, Rev. Newton understood God’s grace. Watch this clip from the movie, Amazing Grace. (Clip)…Rev. Newton admitted his fault in the slave trade and what he had done—in this clip, he talked about not respecting the names of the African slaves. He weeps at what he knows has been done and what he did…And he wrote a song to share with others—to make them feel the guilt that slavery is wrong…He begins to make up for where he has sinned.
Inappropriate guilt causes us to blame ourselves and to look at ourselves in a negative way. There may be something that we are not guilty of in any way shape or form, but we feel guilty or we misplace our guilt. This is sometimes called survivor’s guilt…Robert Maddalone, a firefighter in Brooklyn said this after September 11, “I’m thankful I’m alive, but I feel guilty I’m alive. I’m trying to remember the guys who aren’t here. Their wives & children. It’s a hollow feeling. You try to laugh sometimes to keep your sanity, but you feel bad about laughing.”
Other forms of inappropriate guilt make us believe that we are not really guilty of anything, but in reality we have really hurt others…It’s how we justify our actions… “Well, I wouldn’t have hit you if you just would have done things right.” Or “Well, they did it to me first!” Those who share in this kind of guilt will deny their guilt when confronted because they think they’ll be let off the hook.
In our Gospel lesson from Mark, Peter tries to make Jesus feel guilty…Jesus talks very openly and honestly about the fact that the Son of Man will suffer and die in order to be raised again. Peter thinks that this can’t possibly be something that would happen to Jesus…So, Peter pulls Jesus aside and begins to rebuke him…Peter pulls Jesus aside and tells him that he’s wrong! Now, we look at Jesus much differently than Peter did at that moment…We know that everything Jesus said came to be and Peter doesn’t know that at this moment…But seriously, can you imagine pulling Jesus aside and yelling at him, telling him he’s wrong?!? That’s exactly what Peter does! And he does it because he wants Jesus to understand the guilt that he should feel…Jesus shouldn’t be telling lies or things that are not true! He should be working at overthrowing the government not being killed by it! Jesus doesn’t take this very well and doesn’t accept the guilt that Peter is trying to give him…Instead, he rebukes Peter…He yells at Peter and says, “Get behind me Satan! You are setting your mind on human things instead of divine things!” Instead of accepting Peter’s inappropriate guilt, Jesus tells Peter that he’s the one that’s wrong. And even gives Peter the steps that he needs to remove his guilt…Set his mind on divine things and give up his life…Because those who lose their life for Jesus’ sake & for the sake of the Gospel will gain it…As we know Peter’s story—there were times that Peter was really good at that and there were times that Peter fell short again…
The letter the Ephesians hits on the guilt that we have as sinners…But just as Rev. John Newton said in the clip from Amazing Grace, there are 2 things I can remember—I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior. By God’s grace, we have been forgiven…That’s not to say that we don’t have to atone for our transgressions against one another…God forgives you if you ask for it, but you must also ask forgiveness of the brother or sister that you have hurt…But the grace that you have received is free…You can’t do anything to earn grace--- the very definition of grace is free, unmerited love. You can’t earn more grace or do anything to pay God back for what God has done! If you think that you can, you will be disappointed over and over again and feel the shame of failure for not living up to the expectations you may have of yourself. God’s grace is not earned…But because of the grace that you have been given, you share that message with others. You help others to know that grace for themselves! Like the song Amazing Grace…There’s nothing in there that points directly to slavery, but it does point to the sins that we all commit. We are all convicted by our own sins and our own guilts to recognize God’s grace that redeems us…God’s grace which pulls us from the broken places and helps us to become the best self that we can possibly be…The person that God created us to be…That’s what grace does! Oh it is amazing…And we share it with others not to force them to feel guilty, but to help others understand that God is a great God who offers this to us…That those who lose their life will save it…That God loves us with a love that we cannot imagine…Amazing Grace!
As we join on this Lenten Journey, the song from Chris Tomlin, Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) will play and if you have something to pack away on this journey, you may bring it forward to place in the suitcase and you can also take this opportunity to pray at the altar. After the song has ended, we will sing together the 2nd verse of Amazing Grace.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
From Hurt to Healing: Shame
Shame
Lent began on Wednesday with Ash Wednesday marking the beginning of the Lenten journey. On Ash Wednesday, we were reminded of our mortal lives with the marking of the cross with ashes on our forehead and hearing, “From dust you came and to dust you will return.” Which is not a completely happy thought or something that many of us would like to dwell on for too long! But indeed, our lives as we know them are not going to last forever—we are mortal beings after all…Now, that’s not to ignore our hope in eternal life, which comes as a result of Jesus’ life, death, & resurrection. And Lent explores that journey of how that came to be and what Jesus’ journey looks like. Our Lenten journey will take us on a journey from hurt to healing. Over the next 6 weeks, we’ll explore several themes & topics to help give us the tools we may need to overcome our personal hurts as well as the places we have hurt others. As we explore these from a personal level, we will also explore them through a corporate level—or as the church where we have hurt people and where we have been hurt by others. I would have to say that if there is someone here who has experienced any hurts in their life, you have been extremely lucky! But, if I had to guess, I would say that nearly everyone here has been hurt at some point in their life…Would that be correct? And the same is true—if there is someone here who has never hurt anyone else, you have been one pretty amazing person…But the reality is that we all have at some point either knowingly or maybe accidently said or did something to hurt someone else. Those actions whether they have been done to us or done by us cause these hurts in our lives that effect everything—how we live, how we talk, how we interact with others…They have an effect on who we are and what we do.
So, as we attempt to explore these things during Lent, we will be confronting some places in our lives where we have been hurt and how we will make the journey from hurt to healing. Our first week in this series, we will be exploring shame…What is shame?
According to Andrew Sung Park in his book titled, From Hurt to Healing, “Shame emerges when one is helplessly wronged by another…the victims of shame largely suffer embarrassment because they could not defend their own territory.” Shame is not guilt…often in our society, we equate shame and guilt to be the same thing, but shame is what those who are victims or the sinned-against experience. Shame would have been one of the emotions that Jesus experienced being on the cross…In Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth, Paul talks about the foolishness of the cross. Part of what made the cross such a stumbling block for people was the fact that it was shameful…
Following Andrew Sung Park, there are several different kinds of shame: Humiliating shame, the shame of failure, the shame of disgrace, the shame of disgrace, & collective shame.
Jesus experienced humiliating shame on the cross—the foolishness of the cross. The Jewish people did not expect their Messiah to die—especially not in the way that Jesus died. He was humiliated by being hung on a tree in such a horrible death. It was foolishness to believe that the great and powerful Messiah would have died in such a way…Jesus was also innocent, which makes him a victim of an unjust system, adding to his humiliation…a victim of violence is usually made to feel as though they are to blame for what happened to them which adds to their feeling of shame…Many times those who are abusive will make their victims feel as though they did something to provoke an attack: “Well, if you would have washed the dishes correctly, I wouldn’t have had to hit you…” Humiliating shame causes people to withdraw into themselves, which as that shame grows becomes dangerous as they begin to believe that they are truly to blame for what is happening to them while at the same time developing a resentment toward their offenders…this shame eats away at human dignity and effects all aspects of life…humiliating shame is often found in most addicts as their shame becomes guilt…As someone harms their own body by using addictive substances or injuring themselves, they are the their own offender…
The shame of failure is when our goals and expectations are not met…These may be our own expectations or the expectations of people who we care about…This kind of shame can lead to hesitation to trying new things or to attempt the things that we once failed at…Most of us have experienced this kind of shame as we were unable to do something…I tried to ski once…It was one of the worst experiences of my life. It literally took me 4 hours to get down the hill once. As my friends all passed me by and laughed at my lack of coordination, I began to get more and more uncomfortable and think how big of a failure I was…as soon as I got back to the top of the hill, I took off my skis & went into the lodge and refused to talk to anyone for the rest of the night. I still will never try and ski again…There are some people who have expectations set upon them by themselves or others in their life that they are just not able to overcome…These may be expectations that are so high and unrealistic or just not realistic for a particular person…A friend of mine has not met her parents’ expectations for her life and therefore feels as though she has failed at life…Take contestants from American Idol—the first few weeks of the show, contestants who are just terrible singers are paraded in front of the camera and mocked by the judges & those of us watching at home…When they are told they are the world’s worst singer, the shock on their face expresses their shame…They have not lived up to their expectations of themselves or whatever expectations someone else may have put on them. Their shame is amplified because it’s not just a few people who see their failures, but millions of people through the power of television & the internet. Each time their horrible audition is played, their shame grows.
The shame of disgrace is one that is close to guilt—this shame is the sinner’s shame…When we sin, we become conscious of our guilt, which becomes shame as it is made known to God or to others. There is a prison in Texas that practices this kind of shame—those male offenders that come to their prison are forced to wear all pink and are paraded around the community doing physical labor…Their guilt is turned into shame as they are made to feel less of a human being for their shortcomings. Most people don’t go around announcing their shortcomings or their sins, which makes them keep their guilt to themselves…When that sin is announced in public, the guilt then becomes shame…
Now, not all shame is bad…the shame of discretion is actually good and helpful…This positive shame happens when our conscience guards against indecent and unacceptable activities. Most of us will go out of the house with clothes on because it would be indecent not to! This kind of shame actually protects our well being and helps us to become healthy, well rounded individuals…
Collective shame is what a group of people feels by being victims of deep humiliating shame…For those who were sold into slavery and made to feel as though they were no longer a human being, but an object have experienced this kind of shame—and it is not limited to those who experienced it first hand, but that gets passed down from generation to generation…Many ethnic groups experience because of the way they are treated due to racist behavior….These are things that a group cannot control and was done to them…The collective shame among offenders happens when a group of people do something wrong and it is made public…
In our Gospel lesson, the woman with the issue of blood comes to Jesus…Her shame actually crosses over several of the different kinds of shame…The author of the Gospel of Matthew tells us that she has been bleeding for 12 years…Blood was considered to be an unclean act and no one should ever touch blood or come in contact with someone who was bleeding or that would make you unclean too...Women were often made to separate themselves from society and congregate together because their bleeding made them unclean and this woman has experienced this for 12 years…12 years is a long time to be separated from most of society and to be told that you are less than most of the world…Now this was some kind disease she had, so it was really beyond her control and wasn’t something that she or someone else did to her, but she was made to feel the shame of disgrace because it was believed that illnesses were caused by sins of an individual or their parents…Today, we know that most diseases are caused by negative interactions with nature—chemically induced or genetically altered behavior not directly due to our sins or the sins of our parents…If this woman were living today, she would have a diagnosis that would explain her bleeding problem and wouldn’t be told that she did something wrong to cause it…
Her shame is also a humiliating shame, although she hasn’t been a victim of violence per se…but, because she was forced to withdraw from society for being unclean, she lost her dignity and most likely began to feel worthless or defective…and I would have to imagine that she became angry with many over this…Those who told her she was unclean and cast her out of society and even angry with God…
She also experienced the shame of failure as she did not live up to the expectations of a woman in society…Because she had been bleeding for 12 years, was cast out of society—she would not have been married or been able to have children. She would have fallen short of what her expectations of herself & what others told her she should be…
The shame of discretion of course kept her out of the public eye…of course some of it was mandated by law, but she also would have protected herself from experiencing any further shame by adhering to that law…
Until she reaches the point of desperation—she’s been to doctor after doctor and hasn’t gotten better, but instead has gotten worse…And then she hears about Jesus…This Jesus—the guy who has been healing people around the area…There’s a buzz about what he’s been doing—the lame are walking and the blind are seeing…Surely, if he can heal those kinds of people, he can heal a woman with an issue of blood…
And she goes out in public to meet this Jesus, but her shame of discretion still keeps her protected as she goes up to Jesus from behind…She doesn’t throw herself at his feet and announce to the world what she was there for…She goes up behind Jesus and touches his cloak…and is immediately made well. Jesus knows that something has happened because he felt power go out of him, but doesn’t know what just happened here…The woman now experiences the shame of disgrace as she recognizes that she has broken many laws—being out in public when she was unclean & touching a rabbi—she was making him unclean in the process! And she confesses to Jesus and throws herself at his feet in disgrace…Jesus doesn’t yell at her or make her feel like she’s a terrible person…Instead, Jesus tells her that her faith has made her well and he sends her on her way…Her shame has been lifted by Jesus. We don’t have any more to her story after this, so we don’t know how she re-integrated society or how she overcame the shame that she had felt for most of her adult life…But we do know that Jesus took away all of her shame…
It was a bold step for this woman to come out and share her shame with Jesus and with the world…It must have been extremely difficult for her to do so, but she was at the point where she probably would have done anything or risked being unclean for the rest of her life. And so she came and brought all of her shame before Jesus and he took it away.
That’s what we’re able to do…Bring all of our shame before Jesus…That doesn’t mean that once we bring everything to Jesus that makes it all okay…But it’s a step toward healing…Because it means those things that have held us in shame are no longer secret…An abuse is made public and a victim is told it is not their fault and they are an individual of sacred worth…Failures don’t make up who and individual is, but are only a piece of who a person is….sins are forgiven and reconciliation is possible…
One of the stumbling blocks that you may have that keeps you from going on this Lenten journey from hurt to healing may be a shame that you feel…Something that you don’t want people to know because you think they might think less of you or you might think less of yourself…Children of alcoholics tend to over achieve in order to make up for their parents’ shortcomings…Victims of domestic violence keep it secret because they must be to blame for what has happened to them…Let me be clear…What has been done to you is not your fault…If you are a victim of abuse, there is nothing that you did to cause it no matter what your abuser has made you to feel…
Shame thrives in secrecy…That doesn’t mean that you have to go around telling everyone all of your life…The shame of discretion protects us from that…But, find someone that you trust to share with…Journal about it—write it down…Find a counselor…Do something to bring it out into the open…As the woman with the issue of blood tried to keep things secret by coming at Jesus from behind, Jesus brought her shame out of secret so that she may be made fully well—both in body & in mind…Make that your step today…
As we collect the items that we will be taking on this journey with Jesus, there may be something that is keeping you from going fully on this journey—maybe it’s an issue of shame…maybe it’s something else…Whatever it is that is keeping you from going on this journey, work at giving up…If you have brought an item from home to place in the suitcase to pack away for these 40 days, you can bring that forward as you come to receive communion…if you would rather write down what is keeping you from going on this journey, there is paper on the altar…Write it on the paper and seal it in an envelope with your name on the front and place it in the suitcase…
Regardless of the shame you feel…God does indeed love you and invites you to go on this journey from hurt to healing…It is not an easy journey, but one that we all must take eventually…Jesus has already taken this journey and leads us where we should go…Let us follow his example, no matter how foolish it may seem…Because it will lead to our healing & wholeness….
Lent began on Wednesday with Ash Wednesday marking the beginning of the Lenten journey. On Ash Wednesday, we were reminded of our mortal lives with the marking of the cross with ashes on our forehead and hearing, “From dust you came and to dust you will return.” Which is not a completely happy thought or something that many of us would like to dwell on for too long! But indeed, our lives as we know them are not going to last forever—we are mortal beings after all…Now, that’s not to ignore our hope in eternal life, which comes as a result of Jesus’ life, death, & resurrection. And Lent explores that journey of how that came to be and what Jesus’ journey looks like. Our Lenten journey will take us on a journey from hurt to healing. Over the next 6 weeks, we’ll explore several themes & topics to help give us the tools we may need to overcome our personal hurts as well as the places we have hurt others. As we explore these from a personal level, we will also explore them through a corporate level—or as the church where we have hurt people and where we have been hurt by others. I would have to say that if there is someone here who has experienced any hurts in their life, you have been extremely lucky! But, if I had to guess, I would say that nearly everyone here has been hurt at some point in their life…Would that be correct? And the same is true—if there is someone here who has never hurt anyone else, you have been one pretty amazing person…But the reality is that we all have at some point either knowingly or maybe accidently said or did something to hurt someone else. Those actions whether they have been done to us or done by us cause these hurts in our lives that effect everything—how we live, how we talk, how we interact with others…They have an effect on who we are and what we do.
So, as we attempt to explore these things during Lent, we will be confronting some places in our lives where we have been hurt and how we will make the journey from hurt to healing. Our first week in this series, we will be exploring shame…What is shame?
According to Andrew Sung Park in his book titled, From Hurt to Healing, “Shame emerges when one is helplessly wronged by another…the victims of shame largely suffer embarrassment because they could not defend their own territory.” Shame is not guilt…often in our society, we equate shame and guilt to be the same thing, but shame is what those who are victims or the sinned-against experience. Shame would have been one of the emotions that Jesus experienced being on the cross…In Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth, Paul talks about the foolishness of the cross. Part of what made the cross such a stumbling block for people was the fact that it was shameful…
Following Andrew Sung Park, there are several different kinds of shame: Humiliating shame, the shame of failure, the shame of disgrace, the shame of disgrace, & collective shame.
Jesus experienced humiliating shame on the cross—the foolishness of the cross. The Jewish people did not expect their Messiah to die—especially not in the way that Jesus died. He was humiliated by being hung on a tree in such a horrible death. It was foolishness to believe that the great and powerful Messiah would have died in such a way…Jesus was also innocent, which makes him a victim of an unjust system, adding to his humiliation…a victim of violence is usually made to feel as though they are to blame for what happened to them which adds to their feeling of shame…Many times those who are abusive will make their victims feel as though they did something to provoke an attack: “Well, if you would have washed the dishes correctly, I wouldn’t have had to hit you…” Humiliating shame causes people to withdraw into themselves, which as that shame grows becomes dangerous as they begin to believe that they are truly to blame for what is happening to them while at the same time developing a resentment toward their offenders…this shame eats away at human dignity and effects all aspects of life…humiliating shame is often found in most addicts as their shame becomes guilt…As someone harms their own body by using addictive substances or injuring themselves, they are the their own offender…
The shame of failure is when our goals and expectations are not met…These may be our own expectations or the expectations of people who we care about…This kind of shame can lead to hesitation to trying new things or to attempt the things that we once failed at…Most of us have experienced this kind of shame as we were unable to do something…I tried to ski once…It was one of the worst experiences of my life. It literally took me 4 hours to get down the hill once. As my friends all passed me by and laughed at my lack of coordination, I began to get more and more uncomfortable and think how big of a failure I was…as soon as I got back to the top of the hill, I took off my skis & went into the lodge and refused to talk to anyone for the rest of the night. I still will never try and ski again…There are some people who have expectations set upon them by themselves or others in their life that they are just not able to overcome…These may be expectations that are so high and unrealistic or just not realistic for a particular person…A friend of mine has not met her parents’ expectations for her life and therefore feels as though she has failed at life…Take contestants from American Idol—the first few weeks of the show, contestants who are just terrible singers are paraded in front of the camera and mocked by the judges & those of us watching at home…When they are told they are the world’s worst singer, the shock on their face expresses their shame…They have not lived up to their expectations of themselves or whatever expectations someone else may have put on them. Their shame is amplified because it’s not just a few people who see their failures, but millions of people through the power of television & the internet. Each time their horrible audition is played, their shame grows.
The shame of disgrace is one that is close to guilt—this shame is the sinner’s shame…When we sin, we become conscious of our guilt, which becomes shame as it is made known to God or to others. There is a prison in Texas that practices this kind of shame—those male offenders that come to their prison are forced to wear all pink and are paraded around the community doing physical labor…Their guilt is turned into shame as they are made to feel less of a human being for their shortcomings. Most people don’t go around announcing their shortcomings or their sins, which makes them keep their guilt to themselves…When that sin is announced in public, the guilt then becomes shame…
Now, not all shame is bad…the shame of discretion is actually good and helpful…This positive shame happens when our conscience guards against indecent and unacceptable activities. Most of us will go out of the house with clothes on because it would be indecent not to! This kind of shame actually protects our well being and helps us to become healthy, well rounded individuals…
Collective shame is what a group of people feels by being victims of deep humiliating shame…For those who were sold into slavery and made to feel as though they were no longer a human being, but an object have experienced this kind of shame—and it is not limited to those who experienced it first hand, but that gets passed down from generation to generation…Many ethnic groups experience because of the way they are treated due to racist behavior….These are things that a group cannot control and was done to them…The collective shame among offenders happens when a group of people do something wrong and it is made public…
In our Gospel lesson, the woman with the issue of blood comes to Jesus…Her shame actually crosses over several of the different kinds of shame…The author of the Gospel of Matthew tells us that she has been bleeding for 12 years…Blood was considered to be an unclean act and no one should ever touch blood or come in contact with someone who was bleeding or that would make you unclean too...Women were often made to separate themselves from society and congregate together because their bleeding made them unclean and this woman has experienced this for 12 years…12 years is a long time to be separated from most of society and to be told that you are less than most of the world…Now this was some kind disease she had, so it was really beyond her control and wasn’t something that she or someone else did to her, but she was made to feel the shame of disgrace because it was believed that illnesses were caused by sins of an individual or their parents…Today, we know that most diseases are caused by negative interactions with nature—chemically induced or genetically altered behavior not directly due to our sins or the sins of our parents…If this woman were living today, she would have a diagnosis that would explain her bleeding problem and wouldn’t be told that she did something wrong to cause it…
Her shame is also a humiliating shame, although she hasn’t been a victim of violence per se…but, because she was forced to withdraw from society for being unclean, she lost her dignity and most likely began to feel worthless or defective…and I would have to imagine that she became angry with many over this…Those who told her she was unclean and cast her out of society and even angry with God…
She also experienced the shame of failure as she did not live up to the expectations of a woman in society…Because she had been bleeding for 12 years, was cast out of society—she would not have been married or been able to have children. She would have fallen short of what her expectations of herself & what others told her she should be…
The shame of discretion of course kept her out of the public eye…of course some of it was mandated by law, but she also would have protected herself from experiencing any further shame by adhering to that law…
Until she reaches the point of desperation—she’s been to doctor after doctor and hasn’t gotten better, but instead has gotten worse…And then she hears about Jesus…This Jesus—the guy who has been healing people around the area…There’s a buzz about what he’s been doing—the lame are walking and the blind are seeing…Surely, if he can heal those kinds of people, he can heal a woman with an issue of blood…
And she goes out in public to meet this Jesus, but her shame of discretion still keeps her protected as she goes up to Jesus from behind…She doesn’t throw herself at his feet and announce to the world what she was there for…She goes up behind Jesus and touches his cloak…and is immediately made well. Jesus knows that something has happened because he felt power go out of him, but doesn’t know what just happened here…The woman now experiences the shame of disgrace as she recognizes that she has broken many laws—being out in public when she was unclean & touching a rabbi—she was making him unclean in the process! And she confesses to Jesus and throws herself at his feet in disgrace…Jesus doesn’t yell at her or make her feel like she’s a terrible person…Instead, Jesus tells her that her faith has made her well and he sends her on her way…Her shame has been lifted by Jesus. We don’t have any more to her story after this, so we don’t know how she re-integrated society or how she overcame the shame that she had felt for most of her adult life…But we do know that Jesus took away all of her shame…
It was a bold step for this woman to come out and share her shame with Jesus and with the world…It must have been extremely difficult for her to do so, but she was at the point where she probably would have done anything or risked being unclean for the rest of her life. And so she came and brought all of her shame before Jesus and he took it away.
That’s what we’re able to do…Bring all of our shame before Jesus…That doesn’t mean that once we bring everything to Jesus that makes it all okay…But it’s a step toward healing…Because it means those things that have held us in shame are no longer secret…An abuse is made public and a victim is told it is not their fault and they are an individual of sacred worth…Failures don’t make up who and individual is, but are only a piece of who a person is….sins are forgiven and reconciliation is possible…
One of the stumbling blocks that you may have that keeps you from going on this Lenten journey from hurt to healing may be a shame that you feel…Something that you don’t want people to know because you think they might think less of you or you might think less of yourself…Children of alcoholics tend to over achieve in order to make up for their parents’ shortcomings…Victims of domestic violence keep it secret because they must be to blame for what has happened to them…Let me be clear…What has been done to you is not your fault…If you are a victim of abuse, there is nothing that you did to cause it no matter what your abuser has made you to feel…
Shame thrives in secrecy…That doesn’t mean that you have to go around telling everyone all of your life…The shame of discretion protects us from that…But, find someone that you trust to share with…Journal about it—write it down…Find a counselor…Do something to bring it out into the open…As the woman with the issue of blood tried to keep things secret by coming at Jesus from behind, Jesus brought her shame out of secret so that she may be made fully well—both in body & in mind…Make that your step today…
As we collect the items that we will be taking on this journey with Jesus, there may be something that is keeping you from going fully on this journey—maybe it’s an issue of shame…maybe it’s something else…Whatever it is that is keeping you from going on this journey, work at giving up…If you have brought an item from home to place in the suitcase to pack away for these 40 days, you can bring that forward as you come to receive communion…if you would rather write down what is keeping you from going on this journey, there is paper on the altar…Write it on the paper and seal it in an envelope with your name on the front and place it in the suitcase…
Regardless of the shame you feel…God does indeed love you and invites you to go on this journey from hurt to healing…It is not an easy journey, but one that we all must take eventually…Jesus has already taken this journey and leads us where we should go…Let us follow his example, no matter how foolish it may seem…Because it will lead to our healing & wholeness….
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