Forgiving-ness & forgiven-ness

Forgiving-ness & Forgiven-ness
Today is the 5th Sunday in Lent—the 40 day season in the church that prepares us for Easter. Lent is a time of trimming away all of the distractions or things that keep us from fully recognizing the power of Easter & Jesus’ resurrection. In Jesus’ resurrection we experience life abundantly as Jesus defeated death. So, Lent prepares us for that abundant celebration of life. Our series during Lent has been “From Hurt to Healing.” Each week we’ve explored an emotion, a topic, or a theme related to the hurts we have or the ways in which we have hurt others. We have looked at shame—what those who have been sinned-against feel when something has been done to them. We have looked at guilt—what sinners feel when they have done something wrong. Anger—which in and of itself is a good thing, but when it is left to fester and turns into rage, that is a problem. Resistance is the way in which we declare that we are an individual of sacred with and deserve to be treated as such and not as someone less than a human being. Repentance is what we feel when we recognize that we have done something wrong and need to make amends and turn our life completely around. Last week, we began to make the turn from identifying our hurts & the ways in which we have hurt others into healing. This week we look at what it means to offer forgiveness or forgiving-ness and receiving forgiveness or forgiven-ness.
Christianity is a movement based around forgiveness—Jesus proclaimed God’s forgiveness to all people and the church was meant to continue to carry on that message of forgiveness. Most people experience forgiveness often…The truth is that holding a grudge is self destructive. Bonnie Weil says it this way, “If you don’t forgive a grudge, there is a part of you that dies inside. You lose your optimism, your enthusiasm, your zest for life.” Oftentimes we discuss the need to forgive or be forgiven, but ignore what forgiveness really is…Forgiveness isn’t just a word tossed around, but it means to give up a resolve to do something or giving up resentment or claim to requital for or to pardon an offense. Forgiveness does not require feelings of love or acceptance, but it makes room for those feelings for both victim & offender. Pastoral counselor John Patton describes forgiveness not as something that we do, but as something we discover. To forgive the one who injures us, we need to discover ourselves in them…Forgiveness is a humble process by surrendering one’s own power to forgive rather than holding onto it.
In his book From Hurt to Healing, Andrew Sung Park chronicles theologian Lewis Smedes’ 6 steps for forgiveness.
1.) Forgiveness is a redemptive response to having been wronged and wounded. Only those who have wronged and wounded us are candidates for forgivness.
2.) Forgiveness requires 3 actions: first—surrendering our right to give even. When we forgive we place the outcome of the matter in God’s hands. Second—we rediscover the humanity of our wrongdoer—the person who wronged us is not different from us, but just as complex, fragile, and confused person as we are. Third—we wish our wrongdoer well—giving up revenge and actually wanting good things to happen to them.
3.) Forgiving takes time. God can forgive in a single breath, but we need time.
4.) Forgiving does not require forgetting. We can refuse to let a harmful incident control our lives.
5.) Ideally, forgiving leads to reconciliation—but that doesn’t always happen…Sometimes the forgiven person does not want to be reunited with us. Forgiving happens in our hearts—there can’t be a reunion without forgiving, but there can be forgiving without reunion
6.) Forgiving comes naturally to the forgiven. Nothing enables us to forgive like knowing in our hearts that we have been forgiven.

When we truly forgive someone, we don’t attack their personality, but focus on issues. Which can be hard sometimes…There are really two dimensions to forgiveness—internal & external.
Internal forgiveness is forgiving our offenders before they ask for it. In our Gospel lesson this morning, Peter asks if it is okay to forgive 7 times which was more than the Jewish tradition said was necessary…The Jewish tradition said that 3 times was enough, so by asking for double that Peter thought that would be okay! But Jesus says that 77 times is how often we forgive which is just beyond understanding. The sooner we forgive the better, but forgiveness can’t be forced too quickly. Before forgiving, there are some things that we will need to sort through in our own hearts & souls. Andrew Sung Park identifies these steps in internal forgiveness: brokenness with sorrow & grief, a willingness to let go, and the courage to envision a fresh image.
Those who have been sinned against can’t easily forget their deep pain & grief. There is no exact formula for this and some offenses take longer than others to work through. Park says it this way, “It takes courage to acknowledge our wound & pain. The process of forgiveness starts when we demonstrate the courage to put ourselves in the vulnerable position of acknowledging our wound & weakness and undergoing sorrow & grief over pain. This spirit of grieving over pain opens the process of healing by transcending its own helplessness.”
Giving forgiveness or forgiving-ness means letting go—letting go of our woundedness, sorrow and anger. This is not easy. But forgiveness enables us not to dwell on the pain of shame, but to transcend it for food. Park continues by saying, “Forgiving others is forgiving ourselves. Retaliating against others injures ourselves again…Without forgiving our offenders, we become captives of the destructive force of anger & hatred…In this sense, forgiving is not a choice, it is a must. Every unforgiving moment causes us damage.” Now that doesn’t mean that forgiving is cheap or easy, but quite the opposite…it is very costly.
When we are wronged, it is easy to look at our offenders as demons or to dehumanize them. We need to separate an individual’s personhood from their actions because all individuals are individuals of sacred worth. “A forgiving heart foresees a redeemed, good, and accountable image of the offenders, which not forgetting their past.”
In addition to internal forgiveness, there is external forgiveness. In an ideal situation, the offender would ask forgiveness and seek to make up for what they have done. If the offender fails to seek forgiveness, the injured person is not obligated to offer it. External forgiveness announces the offender forgiven when they have sought it. If the offender has no intention of seeking forgivness, the offended should begin the process themselves. The first step would be confrontation—to challenge the offender to admit their wrong. When the offender has repented, this brings both parties to neutral ground and offers a way to reconciliation. The offended then should engage the offender to repay whatever damage has been done. External forgivenss restores a mutual relationship. Reconciliation can only happen if both parties agree to restore their relationship. If it is possible, reconciliation is what we should aim for. However, it is not always possible to do that—as Christians we should always try to get to reconciliation. “True forgivingness is not to overlook the wrongdoing of offenders, but to challenge them to change their ways and encourage them to rectify what they have damaged.”
Steven Curtis Chapman is an award winning Christian singer. He and his wife Mary Beth have three biological children, Emily, Caleb, and Will Franklin and have adopted three girls from China—Shohannah Hope, Stevey Joy, and Maria Sue. On May 21, seventeen year old Will Franklin was driving his SUV in the driveway when Maria Sue ran to greet him. He didn’t see Maria and hit her with his car…As the Chapman family reacted to what happened, and called 911 and held on to their 5 year old daughter as she struggled to live…As the ambulance took Maria Sue to the hospital, Will in anguish tried to run from what happened when his older brother Caleb tackled him and held him to the ground and just held him…As Steven Curtis Chapman followed the ambulance to the hospital, he made the driver stop as he shouted out the window… “Will Franklin! Your dad loves you! Will Franklin! Your dad loves you!” Maria Sue died from this tragic accident…As the family continues to grieve the loss of the youngest child and come to grips with what happened…Will Franklin struggles to forgive himself. At Maria’s funeral, Caleb share that God healed Maria in ways that the family didn’t really like, but Caleb knew that God was going to heal Will in ways that everyone would really like…Mary Beth & Steven Curtis Chapman said in an interview that not once did they ever blame Will or do they hold what happened against him…They called it a tragic accident…
If forgiving-ness is offering forgiveness, then forgiven-ness is receiving forgiveness. Beverly Flanigan suggests these 8 ways to promote forgiveness.
1.) Admit quickly and openly when you are wrong.
2.) Apologize to the people you have wronged. If possible, issue your apology in the presence of others to demonstrate that you are not afraid to return power to those you have hurt.
3.) Praise those close to you when they express regret about hurting someone. Encourage them to admit wrongdoing & apologize to the injured person.
4.) Respect the attempts of others to forgive someone.
5.) When it is true, tell people who have modeled forgiveness to you that you respect their achievements. By the same token when other people’s nonforgiveness contaminates you, tell them.
6.) Avoid litigation until you have heard each other’s views of the injury. Forgiveness is more likely when people are not adversaries.
7.) Teach that life is not fair. One person will have more gifts and opportunities than another person and fewer than others. Envy or greed should never be the basis of nonfogiveness.
8.) To forgive is to choose to move forward into the future. Show others thant you choose the future, not the past, as the focus of aspiration in your daily life.
In Christianity, divine forgiveness is deeply connected with human forgiveness. When we are forgiven by those we have wronged, our relationship with God is put right. At the heart of Christian forgiven-ness is repentance and restoration of relationships with God & with the offended. Last week, we talked about repentance as an act of contrition and confession as the beginning of the forgiveness process.
First, repentance begins with contrition…which is an internal transformation. It is the decision before God to not repeat the sin. The act of contrition should come because God loves us and not out of fear—but love that leads us to love God & love others.
Confession is the next step…confession is an important step in being forgiven, because one needs to know what they’re asking forgiveness for! It can be uncomfortable to admit you were wrong or that you did something that was wrong, so this is a step that many people are unable to do. We’ll look at this more next week as we discuss forgiveness.
Repentance means changing one’s behavior…It is the turning around and going the other direction of what you were doing. It is the concrete response to the contrition—in contrition, we promise not to sin again and in repentance, we actually work on not sinning again. If there is not a change in lifestyle, there has not been repentance. If every time I see John Doe, and I kick him in the shins…then I tell him I feel bad about it, but continue to do it. I’ve not really repented. If someone says that they’re sorry for doing something, but continue to do it…they’re really not repenting.
Fourth, recompense—repentance is only genuine when it offers compensation…What can I do for what I have done? If you are not willing to sacrifice to make up for what you have done, you’re not willing to repent. Now, we can’t make anything up to God—seeing as how God is infinite and all…We do not possess the power to repay God, which what justification is…we’ll talk about justification next week. But, what God does require is for offenders to compensate human victims of his or her offense. As Park says, “This compensation does not depend on the status of the one offended. Rather we need to attend, heal, and recompense the injuries of the offended with all our hearts, as if we were making restitution to God. In fact, as we offend our neighbor, we injure God. By restoring our neighbor’s dignity, we restore God’s dignity as well.
Fifth, asking for forgiveness. Forgiven-ness can only be offered if it is asked for. First, asking forgiveness from God and then from the wronged. Having already done works of repentance, openly admitting wrong, and asking in humility for forgiveness. When we do this we are not asking the offended to forget what has been done, but we ask to cease remembering it with resentment and a heart of vengeance. “The offended can forgive the offender, or delay forgiving-ness at this point. If the offended is not ready to forgive the offender, the offender must wait patiently for their forgiving in due course.
Forgiven-ness becomes consummated in reconciling with the offended. A genuine act of repentance leads to an opportunity to live in positive relationships once again. A genuine act of asking for forgiveness may lead the offended & the offender to reconcile. But there is little the offender can do if the person hurt does not want to be reconciled.
Why is forgiveness so hard? Why is it something that we deny to others or deny to ourselves? Why does it make the stories like the Chapman family seem so extraordinary? There are really lots of reasons why…Sometimes the circumstances are just so extraordinary…Sometimes the people are extraordinary…Most times it’s because the grace of God flows freely…Forgiveness is given freely to us…It only seems right that it should flow freely from us…There may be something or someone that you are thinking about right now that you need to forgive…Maybe you’re not ready to admit what you have done wrong or what you’d like to do to make amends…Maybe you’re not quite ready to repent…You can say that… Or maybe you’re thinking about someone that you need to ask for forgiveness…Someone that you have hurt in some way…And you might be thinking that too much time has passed or you don’t know how to get in touch with that person…Those are really good excuses…About a year ago I went to lunch with a friend and as we caught up on life, I shared with her that I thought that I may have hurt her in a particular situation and they only reason that I thought that I may have caused her that pain was because I had felt it myself…As we recounted the situation that had happened almost five years earlier, I apologized for any hurt that I may have caused her. She said that there was none, but she appreciated the apology…I could have not said anything and I could have not offered apology…But I can’t tell you how much better I felt to have known how she felt and that we could be honest…An apology can come at anytime…Studies have shown that people who forgive more often are usually healthier…less heart problems, less stress…The longer that you hold on to that forgiveness, the more it eats you up inside…Forgiveness is as much for you to let go as it is for the other person to be forgiven…It is as much about our own humanity as it is about another person’sEvery week, as we pray the Lord’s prayer, we pray—forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Do you really want to be forgiven in the same way that you have offered forgiveness? Do you really want to be treated in the same way that you have treated other people? Maybe if we all truly lived by the ways that Jesus taught, there would be less need to seek forgiveness…But we are still waiting for the Kingdom of God to come…So, how many times should one forgive? 3 times? 7 times? 490? How many times have you been forgiven? 3 times? 7 times? 490? As you have confessed your sins to God, God hears your prayers and in the name of Jesus Christ you are forgiven…Thanks be to God…You have been forgiven freely…Freely give…