From Hurt to Healing: Shame

Shame
Lent began on Wednesday with Ash Wednesday marking the beginning of the Lenten journey. On Ash Wednesday, we were reminded of our mortal lives with the marking of the cross with ashes on our forehead and hearing, “From dust you came and to dust you will return.” Which is not a completely happy thought or something that many of us would like to dwell on for too long! But indeed, our lives as we know them are not going to last forever—we are mortal beings after all…Now, that’s not to ignore our hope in eternal life, which comes as a result of Jesus’ life, death, & resurrection. And Lent explores that journey of how that came to be and what Jesus’ journey looks like. Our Lenten journey will take us on a journey from hurt to healing. Over the next 6 weeks, we’ll explore several themes & topics to help give us the tools we may need to overcome our personal hurts as well as the places we have hurt others. As we explore these from a personal level, we will also explore them through a corporate level—or as the church where we have hurt people and where we have been hurt by others. I would have to say that if there is someone here who has experienced any hurts in their life, you have been extremely lucky! But, if I had to guess, I would say that nearly everyone here has been hurt at some point in their life…Would that be correct? And the same is true—if there is someone here who has never hurt anyone else, you have been one pretty amazing person…But the reality is that we all have at some point either knowingly or maybe accidently said or did something to hurt someone else. Those actions whether they have been done to us or done by us cause these hurts in our lives that effect everything—how we live, how we talk, how we interact with others…They have an effect on who we are and what we do.
So, as we attempt to explore these things during Lent, we will be confronting some places in our lives where we have been hurt and how we will make the journey from hurt to healing. Our first week in this series, we will be exploring shame…What is shame?
According to Andrew Sung Park in his book titled, From Hurt to Healing, “Shame emerges when one is helplessly wronged by another…the victims of shame largely suffer embarrassment because they could not defend their own territory.” Shame is not guilt…often in our society, we equate shame and guilt to be the same thing, but shame is what those who are victims or the sinned-against experience. Shame would have been one of the emotions that Jesus experienced being on the cross…In Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth, Paul talks about the foolishness of the cross. Part of what made the cross such a stumbling block for people was the fact that it was shameful…
Following Andrew Sung Park, there are several different kinds of shame: Humiliating shame, the shame of failure, the shame of disgrace, the shame of disgrace, & collective shame.
Jesus experienced humiliating shame on the cross—the foolishness of the cross. The Jewish people did not expect their Messiah to die—especially not in the way that Jesus died. He was humiliated by being hung on a tree in such a horrible death. It was foolishness to believe that the great and powerful Messiah would have died in such a way…Jesus was also innocent, which makes him a victim of an unjust system, adding to his humiliation…a victim of violence is usually made to feel as though they are to blame for what happened to them which adds to their feeling of shame…Many times those who are abusive will make their victims feel as though they did something to provoke an attack: “Well, if you would have washed the dishes correctly, I wouldn’t have had to hit you…” Humiliating shame causes people to withdraw into themselves, which as that shame grows becomes dangerous as they begin to believe that they are truly to blame for what is happening to them while at the same time developing a resentment toward their offenders…this shame eats away at human dignity and effects all aspects of life…humiliating shame is often found in most addicts as their shame becomes guilt…As someone harms their own body by using addictive substances or injuring themselves, they are the their own offender…
The shame of failure is when our goals and expectations are not met…These may be our own expectations or the expectations of people who we care about…This kind of shame can lead to hesitation to trying new things or to attempt the things that we once failed at…Most of us have experienced this kind of shame as we were unable to do something…I tried to ski once…It was one of the worst experiences of my life. It literally took me 4 hours to get down the hill once. As my friends all passed me by and laughed at my lack of coordination, I began to get more and more uncomfortable and think how big of a failure I was…as soon as I got back to the top of the hill, I took off my skis & went into the lodge and refused to talk to anyone for the rest of the night. I still will never try and ski again…There are some people who have expectations set upon them by themselves or others in their life that they are just not able to overcome…These may be expectations that are so high and unrealistic or just not realistic for a particular person…A friend of mine has not met her parents’ expectations for her life and therefore feels as though she has failed at life…Take contestants from American Idol—the first few weeks of the show, contestants who are just terrible singers are paraded in front of the camera and mocked by the judges & those of us watching at home…When they are told they are the world’s worst singer, the shock on their face expresses their shame…They have not lived up to their expectations of themselves or whatever expectations someone else may have put on them. Their shame is amplified because it’s not just a few people who see their failures, but millions of people through the power of television & the internet. Each time their horrible audition is played, their shame grows.
The shame of disgrace is one that is close to guilt—this shame is the sinner’s shame…When we sin, we become conscious of our guilt, which becomes shame as it is made known to God or to others. There is a prison in Texas that practices this kind of shame—those male offenders that come to their prison are forced to wear all pink and are paraded around the community doing physical labor…Their guilt is turned into shame as they are made to feel less of a human being for their shortcomings. Most people don’t go around announcing their shortcomings or their sins, which makes them keep their guilt to themselves…When that sin is announced in public, the guilt then becomes shame…
Now, not all shame is bad…the shame of discretion is actually good and helpful…This positive shame happens when our conscience guards against indecent and unacceptable activities. Most of us will go out of the house with clothes on because it would be indecent not to! This kind of shame actually protects our well being and helps us to become healthy, well rounded individuals…
Collective shame is what a group of people feels by being victims of deep humiliating shame…For those who were sold into slavery and made to feel as though they were no longer a human being, but an object have experienced this kind of shame—and it is not limited to those who experienced it first hand, but that gets passed down from generation to generation…Many ethnic groups experience because of the way they are treated due to racist behavior….These are things that a group cannot control and was done to them…The collective shame among offenders happens when a group of people do something wrong and it is made public…
In our Gospel lesson, the woman with the issue of blood comes to Jesus…Her shame actually crosses over several of the different kinds of shame…The author of the Gospel of Matthew tells us that she has been bleeding for 12 years…Blood was considered to be an unclean act and no one should ever touch blood or come in contact with someone who was bleeding or that would make you unclean too...Women were often made to separate themselves from society and congregate together because their bleeding made them unclean and this woman has experienced this for 12 years…12 years is a long time to be separated from most of society and to be told that you are less than most of the world…Now this was some kind disease she had, so it was really beyond her control and wasn’t something that she or someone else did to her, but she was made to feel the shame of disgrace because it was believed that illnesses were caused by sins of an individual or their parents…Today, we know that most diseases are caused by negative interactions with nature—chemically induced or genetically altered behavior not directly due to our sins or the sins of our parents…If this woman were living today, she would have a diagnosis that would explain her bleeding problem and wouldn’t be told that she did something wrong to cause it…
Her shame is also a humiliating shame, although she hasn’t been a victim of violence per se…but, because she was forced to withdraw from society for being unclean, she lost her dignity and most likely began to feel worthless or defective…and I would have to imagine that she became angry with many over this…Those who told her she was unclean and cast her out of society and even angry with God…
She also experienced the shame of failure as she did not live up to the expectations of a woman in society…Because she had been bleeding for 12 years, was cast out of society—she would not have been married or been able to have children. She would have fallen short of what her expectations of herself & what others told her she should be…
The shame of discretion of course kept her out of the public eye…of course some of it was mandated by law, but she also would have protected herself from experiencing any further shame by adhering to that law…
Until she reaches the point of desperation—she’s been to doctor after doctor and hasn’t gotten better, but instead has gotten worse…And then she hears about Jesus…This Jesus—the guy who has been healing people around the area…There’s a buzz about what he’s been doing—the lame are walking and the blind are seeing…Surely, if he can heal those kinds of people, he can heal a woman with an issue of blood…
And she goes out in public to meet this Jesus, but her shame of discretion still keeps her protected as she goes up to Jesus from behind…She doesn’t throw herself at his feet and announce to the world what she was there for…She goes up behind Jesus and touches his cloak…and is immediately made well. Jesus knows that something has happened because he felt power go out of him, but doesn’t know what just happened here…The woman now experiences the shame of disgrace as she recognizes that she has broken many laws—being out in public when she was unclean & touching a rabbi—she was making him unclean in the process! And she confesses to Jesus and throws herself at his feet in disgrace…Jesus doesn’t yell at her or make her feel like she’s a terrible person…Instead, Jesus tells her that her faith has made her well and he sends her on her way…Her shame has been lifted by Jesus. We don’t have any more to her story after this, so we don’t know how she re-integrated society or how she overcame the shame that she had felt for most of her adult life…But we do know that Jesus took away all of her shame…
It was a bold step for this woman to come out and share her shame with Jesus and with the world…It must have been extremely difficult for her to do so, but she was at the point where she probably would have done anything or risked being unclean for the rest of her life. And so she came and brought all of her shame before Jesus and he took it away.
That’s what we’re able to do…Bring all of our shame before Jesus…That doesn’t mean that once we bring everything to Jesus that makes it all okay…But it’s a step toward healing…Because it means those things that have held us in shame are no longer secret…An abuse is made public and a victim is told it is not their fault and they are an individual of sacred worth…Failures don’t make up who and individual is, but are only a piece of who a person is….sins are forgiven and reconciliation is possible…
One of the stumbling blocks that you may have that keeps you from going on this Lenten journey from hurt to healing may be a shame that you feel…Something that you don’t want people to know because you think they might think less of you or you might think less of yourself…Children of alcoholics tend to over achieve in order to make up for their parents’ shortcomings…Victims of domestic violence keep it secret because they must be to blame for what has happened to them…Let me be clear…What has been done to you is not your fault…If you are a victim of abuse, there is nothing that you did to cause it no matter what your abuser has made you to feel…
Shame thrives in secrecy…That doesn’t mean that you have to go around telling everyone all of your life…The shame of discretion protects us from that…But, find someone that you trust to share with…Journal about it—write it down…Find a counselor…Do something to bring it out into the open…As the woman with the issue of blood tried to keep things secret by coming at Jesus from behind, Jesus brought her shame out of secret so that she may be made fully well—both in body & in mind…Make that your step today…
As we collect the items that we will be taking on this journey with Jesus, there may be something that is keeping you from going fully on this journey—maybe it’s an issue of shame…maybe it’s something else…Whatever it is that is keeping you from going on this journey, work at giving up…If you have brought an item from home to place in the suitcase to pack away for these 40 days, you can bring that forward as you come to receive communion…if you would rather write down what is keeping you from going on this journey, there is paper on the altar…Write it on the paper and seal it in an envelope with your name on the front and place it in the suitcase…
Regardless of the shame you feel…God does indeed love you and invites you to go on this journey from hurt to healing…It is not an easy journey, but one that we all must take eventually…Jesus has already taken this journey and leads us where we should go…Let us follow his example, no matter how foolish it may seem…Because it will lead to our healing & wholeness….